hART Therapy: The War Between The Beast And The Whore From Babylon Who Will Win? Kristie Donohue

We See Things For What We Are, Not What They Are.

2012-01-30T13:02:00.002-05:00

What Dreams Are Made Of

2012-01-29T18:30:00.002-05:00

What Dreams Are Made Of

To love even when you know are taking a chance

To accept a broken heart after it’s over and

Still believe in romance

To lose everything and still dance

To sing even when people tell you to shut up

When they tell you sit down, to stand

To do it anyway, when they tell you can’t

To listen because listening is divine

To argue, yet be open to changing your mind

Even in hate, to love

This is what dreams are made of

Stars are smaller then flowers. We don't always see things for what they really are.

2012-01-29T18:17:00.003-05:00

If you put rain on a flower, and the fog hides the petals so that you can't see it, does it mean it's not there?

2012-01-29T18:16:00.001-05:00

I'm watching the sex scenes in a movie again

2012-01-29T18:08:00.002-05:00

The best revenge

2012-01-29T14:39:00.003-05:00

The best revenge is to smile, just smile. When someone hates you, love them , and they won't win. When someone tries to hurt you and make you sad, laugh and they won't win. When someone call you names, call yourself beautiful and they won't win. But if someone hates you, and you hate them back, they won. Because all an evil person wants is control, to control your mind and thoughts even when they are not there, to control your feelings and make you feel bad. Evil people know evil words are magical, they can change you, so fight evil with positive words, and you'll change their power.

Your greatest shield from hatred is love within.

Your greatest shield from anger is peace within.

Your greatest shield from injustice is forgiveness within.

Nobody can touch the world that lies within you unless you let them.

THE WHORE FROM BABYLON THE SCARLET LETTER

2012-01-27T19:57:00.000-05:00

The Whore From Babylon/ The Scarlet Letter

Please try to understand me

I was very young

I didn’t know that when I touched him

I would lose my freedom

Please try to understand me

We wore the same kiss but

He left me here, alone in the dark

Among men and women, to wear this

Where I have fallen, he has risen

Sex I know now is my faithful prison

From a man who never loved me

Or cared, abandoned by the same kiss

We both shared

A kiss that exiles me from the country

From flowers, from the sun,

From heaven, from my body

Exiles me to my own heart

Where in the dark

I cry alone, wishing that I never met him

Before

A kiss like an act of war

The crowd around me screaming “You’re a Whore”

Babylon, you’re a whore

Lies they really believe in

And they believe in more

I don’t know why I let him touch me that way again

Every touch hurt so much

It left a ghost

I guess I needed him to touch me again to heal it

But every touch from him

Makes me go numb, I get lost

And I no longer feel it

Its crazy, I know

The things you do, when you do not know

What you’re doing

The past is too powerful for you

To change it

I will walk the love

And know every struggle it is made of

Even among hate

I will walk the love

With my shoulders back with pride

And my head raised towards heaven

I will walk the love

For my father, my mother,

My sisters and my brothers,

The unborn and the born

My friends, and my lovers

While the flowers sleep

And we think things just leave

I will wait through these tough times and

Walk the love like I believe

In different atmospheres

I know the trees change from orange to green

The flowers change from nothing in winter

To themselves in spring

I know men change

When they are in prayer

Or in war

When they touch something pure

Or when they touch a whore

But I didn’t know he would leave me all alone to fight this

Exiled all alone all because of kiss

I will walk the love

And know every struggle it is made of

Even among hate

I will walk the love

With my shoulders back with pride

And my head raised towards heaven

I will walk the love

For my father, my mother,

My sisters and my brothers,

The unborn and the born

My friends, and my lovers

While the flowers sleep

And we think things just leave

I will wait through these tough times and

Walk the love like I believe

Can’t you see her hiding in her clothes?

She’s the most beautiful woman in the world

To somebody

But nobody in the world knows

She’s walked through his war

In a short, tight skirt

She’s been shamed, exiled

And shunned

And she still knows how to hide the hurt
But

A heart that is freed tonight, is years forgiven

In a world made of love and light

In a world beginning again

Live the Life like you understand

All the pain a man can leave

I will walk the love like Scarlet in her darkest hours

I will walk the love like I believe

Tell her that you know

One day we'll walk beside the dreams we carried alone

One day we will be free

The Last Letter: A solider's wife

2012-01-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

when your in pain, think of the rainbow after the rain

2012-01-27T16:46:00.003-05:00

There's always hope ok. Pray.

If you think good thoughts, So Shall it be

2012-01-27T16:25:00.003-05:00

When we bless others, we bless ourselves. When we curse others, we curse ourselves. Why, may you ask. because we feel every word, every thought we utter. Our hateful thoughts do not belong to someone else, they belong to us and make us feel bad, not them. Although many of us are on a mission to make other see our pain, we are in more pain then them. Even in adversity, we can be loving. Being loving helps us, not them, because the love belongs to us, not them. Love is not conditional, you don;t need ot receive it to have it. Think loving thoughts, beautiful thoughts, and so shall it be. Find yourself in love and you will become love. Love is the greatest most valuable gift in the world, not money, no power, not fame, fortune, can beat how we feel when we love. It is not money that makes powerful people powerful, it the people who love them that makes them powerful. Nothing can beat how we feel when we honestly love someone, nothing. In love we are free, the captive is set free, in love we are set free. Scream it out now, in love we are set free. So don't search for material objects, search for love, and it will all come anyway. More on this later. Have a beautiful day. God bless everyone, I know he really has anyway.

hi world, it me kristie, hope your having a bootiful day

2012-01-26T20:02:00.002-05:00

OH, in my fantasy

2012-01-26T18:22:00.002-05:00

Love comes for me, not to just rescue me (not sexist here men and ladies) but for me to rescue him too, and we are both transformed by love making, inot somehting beautiufl and good, not bad, good, and everyone is transformed by it, everyone. That was the fantasy I had for the end of my story, but it never happened and life is not a storybook, but me being a writer, that is what i would write, although that is not the truth. He came and things got worse, much worse, much much worse.

I live in storybooks

2012-01-26T18:04:00.003-05:00

I'm a dreamer, I guess that why I'm a writer, but I've been fantasizing about love my entire life, although I have never actually met a man who I have fallen in love with, I do feel love sometimes between moments of hell with my ghost, and my prayer, and my wish is to feel those moments all the time, because that's when I have hope and believe again, and that's when I feel good. I especially find these moments of beauty when i am grateful or reflecting on the beauty of the world like food and miracles and God and mountains and landscape, all the good things I often miss from my sickness. I wish it was summer so I could lie out and get a tan, listen to my book on tape and just smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink coffee. It's raining now in January, not snowing, but it's been a sleepy day that seemed to pass without me noticing it.

I have been thinking about exorcisms with my ghost. I've seen exorcisms and spirits who have tried to hurt bodies. It seems hard to believe that another spirit can enter your body, but apparently it's true, and it's been true to me. It is hard to explain my ghost, he says he god, but he has often abused me, he stopped me from eating for a year now and he's not helping me eat again, he has basically abused and destroyed me. When I think about exorcisms he gets angry and asks me why I don't love him, why i don;t pray to Jesus to change him, and he has changed, he's lightened up on me, not hitting me anymore, but I was watching the exorcism on youtube and i started crying. i do want love to win in this, but I'm hurting really really badly. i'm doing very badly. I try to pray, but a prayer doesn't get in, it fades away, and I'm afraid god doesn't really love me that much. So as the ghost pulls on my body, he is inside my body, i start crying, like we're saying goodbye forever. he yells at me why don't I love him, and he's right, but i dont feel love because I'm exhausted I'm tired and frustrated by all the pain he has put me through. I do want him to change, I'm praying to the universe and Jesus and god and the angels and everyone that love does win in all this and he does change with love and that i change with love, but right now I feel absolutely hopeless. I've eben going through this for 8 years, and I really won;t ever ask god why he planned this for my life or why he did this to me, but i do wonder why me. It's been absolutely horrific everyday is a horrible day. I was asking jesus to help me because I know i need a miracle, and I've seen people get miracles on yourube , i keep watching the happy story of a blind man who sees again (imagine that, wow) and a demon possessed girl who is finally free (because it is slavery) or of paralyzed man who can walk and I belive in my heart I'll eat agian i'm just waiting on god to help me, but i guess everything is in his time, but I really don;t know why he gave me all this pain.

I'm so confused, why would god torment people when all they need is love. Why would would he plan this is in the Bible for someone life, the life i ahd to live as the Whore From Babylon.

Why would god do this to me?

What the world needs

2012-01-26T18:03:00.002-05:00

Is somebody, or two people in love, to make them believe in love again.

Dear Jesus,

2012-01-26T14:57:00.001-05:00

Please help me. I need help. I need a miracle, a big miracle. I've been suffering for 8 long years and I need help. We all need help. We have all been suffering. Please help. Thank you.

Kristie

Love Can Change the World

2012-01-24T19:01:00.001-05:00

I have been coming to the realization that love, this gift, this jewel, this wonder, that we all possess, can literally transform the entire world. The problem with love though is that not everybody wants it, craves it, desires it, and not everybody knows that in order to have love you don’t need to receive it. I am writing a book about an evil king who doesn’t have love, when he realizes that his ex wife has love he tries to go out and get it, but nobody can give it to him. He realizes that love was inside him the whole time, and it actual entrance into his body, the entrance of love, changed the way everything looked to him. Once he saw flaws in his wife, but love transformed those flaws to beauty. Love is magical, truly magical, and it can transform anybody, even the most evil. Most fo walk around with more of a sense of justice then with a sense of love, somebody hurt us in the past, maybe our mother, maybe a lover, and we hurt others without realizing that we are working out of sense of justice, love’s justice, yet the justice is unjust. The other people get hurt and work in their own sense of justice and the world created is not a world of love but of anger and arguments and conflict, all the things evil wants. Really all evil is is the lack of love. Losing love at one time, evil tries to reclaim it through power. When a man calls you ugly, or fat, or any names, whore, he trying to gain power over you through invisible words that have the power to change your emotions from happy to angry or sad. Why is it being fat is so horrible really, it not so horrible in truth but to some women its horrible. Really it is so horrible to them because they don’t get that much love when they are seen as not looking good to men and men are their source of love. In truth why do you want a man who only sees your appearance and not within you, really its not about physical attraction, being a soul mate is about seeing the soul underneath the skin not the skin, once you see the soul then all people are beautiful and all flaws are overlooked. If God can see everybody’s true soul, and if he is the only one, then god must be in love with everybody because we’re all really the same people, yes we’re all the same, all of us underneath the skin, we all want love, but we all do not know that we want and desire love, and few actually find it, because they think its about the other person, that another person has to give it to us, but really it’s within ourselves. Nobody is born without love, some deny it, but none of us, even the most horrible, can be transformed by love. Yes even the worst people on earth can be transformed by love. Love is what the world needs more then anything, the world needs someone to teach them how to love and care for people and things. When we pray do we pray for love to reveal itself in us? Please try not to let abusive people steal what is your gift, your love, pray that they will find love too. Just writing my book about love or the lack of love in our society. I’m going to start writing on this blog more.

Crazy Love

2012-01-23T15:58:00.003-05:00

Crazy Love

You were at a wedding on some deserted island

Near a forgotten beach, you were laughing,

I was in the city, I felt so happy I started dancing in the street

But we never meet

He got shot and died in your arms in New York City, he just died

I was alone in my car on a beach, and I cried

Not knowing why,

It’s so sad, your friend just died on the street

But, we never meet

You were going to the studio

You took the subway to from Queens to 42^nd Street

You were writing song lyrics and dropped a page under your feet

You walked out the doors, I walked in the doors

And sat in your old seat

I picked up the paper and read it

“When you feel incomplete,”

But, we never meet

I was in my room

Then the phone rang, it was you

But I didn’t know

If it was you, it didn’t show

You asked me if JuJu was there

But I said no

You have the wrong number so

I watched the rain from my window

I thought I saw a strange man disappear

But I didn’t know where things go

When they go, there are a thousand people on the street

But we never meet

You have a scar on your left cheek

One day I woke up with a beauty mark on the same cheek

But we never meet

I looked at my painting of a man

I said he needs a crown

I was taking it to my studio to paint the crown

A guy stole it on the subway in Jamaica, not knowing what he found

When I got off the train, I passed you on the street

But, we never meet

Then you walked to your friend’s house in Queens

He showed you what he got

A painting

You asked him if there was something you forgot

Then you scratched your head

You want it he said, you said sure, why not

And you put my painting in your room above your bed

Wondering what she said

So I paint, I decided to sell t-shirts

So I painted “You must be a light bulb, because you turn me on”

On a t-shirt

A guy bought it in Staten Island because he wanted to flirt

That night you went to a club, a guy came up to you

Wearing the silliest shirt

You laughed at him until your sides hurt

Then you had a vision of a crazy girl in short skirt

Dancing in the rain on 42^nd Street

With just a bra on and no shoes on her feet

A girl you never meet

The image made your heart hurt

Did you remember her

Or did you forget?

Have we ever met?

I was in my room listening to the radio, listening

For him

Saying this is my favorite song when

The song was playing in the club, it reminded you of someone

From the street

But we never meet

INDULGED POEM THe first poem I ever wrote 1997

2012-01-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

my pictures

2012-01-21T20:54:00.001-05:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kristiedonohue/page1/

when we were models

2012-01-21T17:33:00.001-05:00

my sister to the left in pink and me in blue

this is me with glasses

This is my t-shirts I designed

2012-01-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

this is me accidentally on the front of new york mag when i lived in new york city

2012-01-19T21:17:00.001-05:00

this one is all of us

2012-01-19T21:12:00.002-05:00

my song

2012-01-19T20:00:00.001-05:00

Hollywood Divorce

I think you’re funny sometimes

And we should run across rooftops with a commercial

And a guitar

We’ll dance until the world stops

And everybody’s got

Freedom to believe, somebody to love

And the stars

Then when you leave

I’ll call this love a story and a scar

Only a woman bleeds

Only a man leads love to imprisonment

If that’s what the fight meant

You know you’re always wrong

If you’re always right

CHORUS

Hello again, do you know who I am

I knew you back then.

I forgot your face, your fingers and each space

The sound of your breath when your lips bend

What’s in between two silences?

Did you know when, one cell in eternity divided?

All my life I’ve been pretending

My Hollywood Divorce

We’re yelling at the television again

I love it because someone always has a good argument

Somebody’s suing them

All lawyers are more American than coca cola, a movie,

And freedom of the press

I think I could meet them in the place they’re selling

But that always seems too cost too much, and life means less

I heard about a war in the news, people being used

Thieves and prostitutes, and its making me stressed

Every time I see lovers on the street

I think about love, and it’s making me depressed

You know they’re always wrong

If they’re always right

CHORUS

Hello again, do you know who I am

I knew you back then.

I forgot your face, your fingers and each space

The sound of your breath when your lips bend

What’s in between two silences?

Did you know when, one cell in eternity divided?

All my life I’ve been pretending

My Hollywood Divorce

There’s a stranger in my mind

I’m blowing wishes with dandelions

Eating milk shakes and French fries

Heartbreak makes me think I’m going to die

I’m living in a comic strip, exiled because of a kiss,

Wishing love could save me from this

If we ever get to the end, can you tell me everything

In life I’ve missed?

I’ve always been an outcast

I have a flat ass but I can’t take criticism

I like to watch life as it passes

Most of my life has been a fight

You know you’re always wrong if you’re always right

Who are you?

My Hollywood Divorce

tell me if you like my songs

2012-01-19T18:08:00.001-05:00

Like A Moon In Every Dream

Dream rockets take you away

To rainbows in the sky
I look once deeply in your eyes
And I don’t

I don’t know

I looked everywhere in a sunflower, in a joke, in a painting,

In an hour

In a smile in language in a mile

The sad moon forgetting part of himself just to smile

I looked everywhere

Not knowing what I’d find

Knowing, oh knowing you’re so lost in time

I walked a million years of earth

Through laughter and through hurt

Through death and through birth

Looking for you again, lost to my body,

Lost to my friends

Lost to the taste of chocolate,

Lost to heaven without him

Not knowing when it ends

Crying, crying

And I don’t know why

Knowing oh knowing you’re so lost so lost in time
We’re building spaceships just to find
The difference between time and a kiss
It’s been a million years and I
Still taste you on my lips

You’re always on my mind

When you’re out there
Traveling through space
Do you ever wonder why
Heaven is walking in two separate places?
Does earth look like a star you can almost reach?
Does the sea burn blue like a secret?
Are you sending me a prayer
From out there?

I am wondering
If you know how beautiful you are
I am wondering
If I could anchor a shooting star
Amazing things should be free
To wander through
Everywhere the world turns
I turn to you

Your outside in your car

Staring into my window on Queens Boulevard

I think I see you in the corner of my eye everywhere in city

You’re voice is haunting me

And I don’t, I don’t know

I hear you talking to me, but it’s another guy talking on the radio

You melt into me in the January snow

I see your face in the moon

And I feel you kiss me in the city wind too

And even the dancers on the street

Know the language of your body Boo

There so much in a lost part we don’t belong to

The way the fingers part

But I don’t believe that some things are not you

There’s so much in a lost part

I think if you were a million miles away

I would still hear your heart

I would still know where you are

Because you’re always inside me

I walked around with you inside me

When you’re out there,
Traveling through space
Do you ever wonder why
Heaven is walking in two separate places?
Does earth look like a star you can almost reach?
Does the sea burn blue like a secret?
Are you sending me a prayer?
From out there

I am wondering
If you know how beautiful you are
I am wondering
If I could anchor a shooting star
Amazing things should be free
To wander through
Everywhere the world turns, I turn to you

There you go, escaping again to the moon

On the bed, still flying out of the room

I look at you and can’t find you

I look forever on you

I look at bodies making love, a kiss, laughter, I look at warm food,

I look at stars

Wondering what you’re made of

You ask me what I’m looking for

I’m looking for you

I’m looking for love
If a microscope or a telescope were looking for you too
I'd still look for you

When you’re out there,
Traveling through space
Do you ever wonder why
Heaven is walking in two separate places?
Does earth look like a star you can almost reach?
Does the sea burn blue like a secret?
Are you sending me a prayer?
From out there

I am wondering
If you know how beautiful you are
I am wondering
If I could anchor a shooting star
Amazing things should be free
To wander through
Everywhere the world turns, I turn to you

tell me if you like my songs

2012-01-19T18:04:00.001-05:00

If the Body Begins

Something so beautiful shouldn’t be described
I’m scared to touch it; something so fragile might break and die
You’re so beautiful
But I don’t know why

We both know too much about love to touch it

Just lie beside me, just lie
You walk around like you are holding a secret joke under your skin
Your skin is always mysteriously smiling

Here I am, looking at your cheeks laughing

As you lie, wondering where I am

You tell me you just want to fuck and be friends

And there I go; I’m walking the earth looking for you again

You’re just scared, I said

Why you always playing with my head

You ask me why I’m staring, what are you looking for

As you lower your eyes

I said I’m looking for you, I’m looking for love you strange creature

But you’re some thing I can’t find

It’s so hard to say goodbye

Then I knew, I knew absolutely nothing about men

But I know
If I stare at you long enough I’ll lose, just a touch could make me cry

Then I missed the beach that January

But I don’t know why

And you’re so beautiful

But I don’t know why
It might take a whole day; I’ll never know where the beauty lies
I’ll need a day to watch you move,
Until your lips finally say, what you’re saying with your eyes
I write I-“Heart”-Y-O-U on your back
You have to guess what I wrote

We don’t love each right I ask, laughing you say nope

But I have to say

I can’t compare you to anything on earth, your more beautiful than even an August sky
I loved you before I met you
But I don’t know why

We’re so close
When I’m alone in New York and you’re in Brazil
You sing to me in my mind
When you’re not here, but I do something silly
I can feel you smile
We’re so close, when I was pregnant
You got morning sickness
I send messages in a bottle
And throw them in the ocean
I know you get them in Connecticut
You know who wrote them
When you got shot, I felt it
And collapsed
You said I tickled you in your hospital bed
I think we’re in heaven
When I can make you laugh
Before you kiss me
And do something you have feared your whole life
Breathe in
I’m the breath you breathe in
If the body begins

Something happened when you touched me
But I don’t know when
You turned me from rain to rainbow like a magician
You touch me and I believe in heaven
Like we’ve been there before and we’re returning
I can’t remember what you said, because I’ve fallen
You must be the writing on your body, if only songs
Could describe the beauty of your skin
I’ve walked a million years; you’ve been a million men
Every couple decades, I find you again
Can you remind me what we did with love, if the body ends?

We’re so close
When I’m alone in New York and you’re in Brazil
You sing to me in my mind
When you’re not here, but I do something silly
I can feel you smile
We’re so close, when I was pregnant
You got morning sickness
I send messages in a bottle
And throw them in the ocean
I know you get them in Connecticut
You know who wrote them
When you got shot, I felt it
And collapsed
You said I tickled you in your hospital bed
I think we’re in heaven
When I can make you laugh
Before you kiss me
And do something you have feared your whole life

Breathe in
I’m the breath you breathe in
If the body begins

I have only seen flowers do what your body does with rain
I have only seen madmen do what your heart does with pain

After we made love, I knew I’ve only seen caterpillars change the way you changed
I have only known love to move enemies to dance
I don’t know if you love me, but you might
But I know
I have only seen the moon do what your face does with light
I can’t catch you

With every movement you change

Beautifully
And I don’t know why

It only ends
In time
If its body never begins

this was written for my sister shannon and carol

2012-01-19T17:50:00.002-05:00

SisterGrace

for Shannon and carol I wrote this on Shannon birthday for her and carol because I feel like the older sister sometimes but they can be more wise than me

Forever I've been waiting to complete a letter

It says time is like a thousands words in an unwritten song

So be careful where you give your heart

In an incomplete world, because the eyes are long

But the memory we see is longer, and there are breaks in everything

But the heart is stronger, there's something right about

Everything that is wrong, and if you ever see your heart

Walking away, maybe that's where you belong

Life and this sistergrace come together

In this song, I hope you write one better one day

And then I talk about the weather in New York

(CHORUS)

Bring a sweater for when it gets cold

Bring a smile hidden under the longest moments we hold

Sometimes time says more than we could have told

But the joy hides in the center of what we don't know

Life brings what life never shows

But I'll be better when I'm older

You'll be better when you're older

I'm just waiting to see what your life becomes

I'm waiting for you to be your dreams, while everybody

Looks around and wonders the moments they believed in something

It's been a long time since childhood

But please keep your soul young, there's a thousand days

Out there that wait with your song, but it's never been sung

Something always waits to shine

Before the sun, this song is way to celebrate you in another way

I hope you write one better one day

And then I talk about the weather in New York

(CHORUS)

Bring a sweater for when it gets cold

Bring a smile hidden under the longest moments we hold

Sometimes time says more than we could have told

But the joy hides in the center of what we don't know

Life brings what life never shows

But I'll be better when I'm older

You'll be better when you're older

My song for Jesus

2012-01-19T17:34:00.001-05:00

Jesus

I died a thousand deaths, and never left my eyes

There's one breath in a thousand breaths that knows what that is like

I've seen men take another man for money

I've seen wars take a thousand lives, I've seen eyes that dreamt of electricity

And I've seen that light light a thousand rooms a thousand times

I’ve seen people lose all their dreams

Life changes what we once believed

I know inequality; I've traveled in the space between two sides

I know what it is like to really cry

While you cried, I was inside you

Crying too

We were so close

You were tears for two

I was almost your eyes

My sisters and brother look like the dream of my mother

Our flesh was built by my father’s hands

In our house love stayed under any pain we could never understand

She said once that she is only as happy

As her saddest child, he accepts and loves me through everything

I am. Sometimes I believe I only know what love is

Because of them.

Sometimes I don't know what love can do

Sometimes I've seen what it can

Sometimes love writes only half of this letter to you

So when you're lost and alone, you know where I am

In your heart, I'm some kind of music inside you

So if I ask you, maybe you'll please accept this dance

I'm the part of you that encourages when you decide

What you want with your life, I'm always listening

I sometimes believe in the fight, I sometimes believe in romance

When you're sad, I'm sad too

I know what it is like to really cry

While you cried I was inside you

Crying too

We were so close

You were tears for two

I was almost your eyes

I've seen women sell their bodies on the streets

I've seen starving children that need to eat

I've seen people sleep out in the cold

Others who lost jobs, women who never feel safe at home

I've met many thieves, poverty and deceit

Life changes what we once believed

I thought of like when you’re dying in a war

He’s beside you dying too

He’s falling in love with a whore

That disgusts you

When you’re sick, he comes to you as a sick man

Just be near you

He’s the friend

That listens

He the star that glistens

When you’re addicted

He carries you off the street

When there are no more seats on the bus

He gives his seat

He comes as the bum on the street

To see what you will do

He comes as a starving child that needs to eat

To see if you’ll give her food

He comes as a man who can’t afford shoes for his feet

And he’s the richest man in the world

He comes as a Black man

He comes as a little girl

He’s comes to take you home

To tell you, life is hard, I don’t promise

It will be easy, but you don’t have to do it alone

You’re not alone

Pray

This is me do i look familiar from a past life maybe

2012-01-16T13:41:00.001-05:00

This is how the story goes

2012-01-11T21:42:00.002-05:00

Guy in bar: who am I going to fuck tonight, oh look at her she looks real drunk I may be able to hit it shes real drunk

girl in blackout can hardly speak or stand up

guy takes her home fucks her blind, take off her clothes as shes past out on his bed

guy after the fuck calls her a whore

poem by me

2012-01-11T17:36:00.001-05:00

I’m As Inspired As A Tree Is To Touch The Sun

I want to write something that sings in your heart

All the time

And makes you happy

A song

And only you can hear it

Something that is your song alone

To carry with you everywhere

Even when you’re angry

I want to write something you remember

Before it is said

I want to recognize you

The first time I see your face

But not know why

I want to write a half moon

Whose other part is always there

But I think something is missing

I want to know you the way your shoulders know you

I want to be an itch on your body

So you remember that part of your body

When you are not thinking about me

I want to write about oceans

But I can’t

Only an ocean can tell you

His secrets

And he won’t

I want to make you laugh

I want to be a thief

But I don’t want to get arrested

For stealing your smile

I want to put your smile into these words

For all the world to see

I like it when you smile

I want to pour novels on your skin

So I can read about all the places you have been

When you are still

I want to know what you are thinking

And say nothing

I want to lie with my head on your chest for months

In this room

Not saying anything as you speak

And just listen to your stories

Blend in with the walls

Like rain blends in with the flower

I do not want to change your mind

Please do not look like me

I want to know why the dawn you paint

Every morning to greet us

Is so beautiful

I want to know why I missed it this morning

While you held me

I want to argue about beauty

And belief

And loyalty

And love

I want to search for you like a smell

Coming from chocolate chip cookies

I want be a musical note if you are a piano

I want to paint

I will always remember your eyes

I want to be in a bird a few days before scientists

Discovered gravity

And still believe I can fly

I want to be near the wind that carries your heart

Everywhere

When you sing

So I can see you

In everything

I want to know

Why do they put birds in cages?

You must not be looking for his beauty.

I do not know.

They are not looking for the bird.

They are looking for something else.

I want you to control my body for moment

With your song

Show me who I am

Who you are

Shape me into something beautiful

I once did not believe

Of myself

Teach my body to dance

Even in pain

Teach my throat to sing

Even among all this hate

Show me

What I never thought I could be

Tell everybody

Show me love

Show me

How to love you

Show me how love transforms

The body

The way flour is transformed to bread

There was one cookie left in the jar

And he gave it to me

I know

What love is

I do not want to know how the muscles work

Inside me

And carry them everywhere

I go

That is kind of like you

Kind of

We are in each other somehow

The way music is in us

Already

Before we hear it

Our own sense of justice

That works inside all of us

Is not just

I want to be sleep when you are tired

I want to put flower seeds in his bullets

So that you come back to me in May

Return

To show us who you really are

I want to be the peace

In their war

So I should be the woman

He wants to live for

You are like a language I learned

And lost

When I was young

I forgot it forever

I believe someone is dreaming about the stars in

Portuguese

I think I am in between two ways

To know something

Everything around us is poetry

Tell me about your childhood

I want to do kart wheels

For you

I want to look at life with many

Questions

I want love to be like water

I want you to need love

I want love to take up most

Of your body

When you are hurt

I want to tell you loss is love too

You would have not known

How to hurt

Had you not loved

Do not be afraid

Let's make a safe place to run to

In this room

Let’s not talk about the world anymore

I want to walk on tip toes around

You in winter

While you live in denial

Saying you don’t love me

Because I am Black and you are White

Because I am Jewish and you are Muslim

I want to walk on tip toes

Careful not to wake up the world

Careful not to disturb the flowers

Love is always new like Spring

I never know you

And I’ve known you your whole life

You’re always changing

And surprising me

In a war you killed a man

And now here

You’re holding a child

So gently, laughing

Teaching him how to draw

Like a good man

I do not ever want to meet you

I want to know you

Where I do not know you

Like the shape of my heart

Inside my body

I have to carry my heart with me

Inside me

All my life

Without ever knowing what he looks like

I know him and never see him

I want to move you

Like you move me with music

I want to write you

The best love poem anyone has ever written

Because that is how you make me feel

I do not want to meet you

I want to be near your ear already

And guess where I am when you do not feel alone

A secret

That is always there

When we think we never meet

The man is in prison

They have chained him

And beaten him

And degraded him

I saw him

But I do not want to see it

I do not want to look

The horror, the evil of life

I do not want to look

We do not want to look

I want to be in your eyes

As you read this reader

I want to be some reason in your heart

To smile

Can I live in your body

For a moment?

Remember me.

Remember you.

I want to be half of you for a moment

I want to bond

I want to know where you are

When I am not there.

You’re here, now, with me

You are my muse

I am as inspired as a tree

Is to touch

The sun

I want you to change my mind like a radio

Station

Right now

Let’s argue

Let’s debate it all

I want to learn something new about you

Everyday

I want to take pictures

Of your face

As you age

So I can remember you now

And then

Let’s guess

Let’s test each other

Let’s see if we are the same in a war

And on tropical island

Some things need to be still

To be known

Some things need to change

So that we can see

Who we really are

The flower is only a flower when it blooms

I want you to know

You are beautiful

I loved you before we met

We never met, but you are God’s child

And I already know you’re beautiful

Because you belong to God

God is the ultimate artist

And everything he creates is beautiful

I want to dance when you sing

Kiss when you kiss

Make love when you make love

I want to be so happy that you are alive

When I am alive that I want to dance

Look at sound

Look at music

Look at our voices

Look at smell

Look at love

Look what things that we cannot see

Or touch

Let’s move

Let’s express it all

I want to live for you

I want to be your reason

I want to hold you like your sweater holds you

In winter

I want to dream about you

All the time

And find you hiding in everything

I look at it

Because I’m looking at you from the inside out

God

So creative

Like the sun

Giving color to everything

All the world around here bare in winter

Sadness

Turns to flower

Look how the sky opens

And a dream comes through

Look what love can do

It can change everything for you

The butterfly was sure

When it dreamt of its wings

I want to know where you are silent

On your body

So silent I can only sense a part of you

Is missing

Knowing I will never know

What it is

I want to find

Something so silent on you

I will never find it

A bone on your elbow maybe

A freckle I don’t suspect

I want to search for you

And never find you

Even the rose

Speaks to us

Even the rose without language

Says something about you

As you touch her

I want to rub you with oil

And massage you

I want to be sober

From now on

Now I am drunk

On your love

Drunk at night

Wild through the streets of the City of God

Wild through New York City

A lunatic

Drunk and wild on love

Looking for you

You hide your heart in many faces

You are many men

You are mischievous

You are you

Magician

Turning the rain

Into a rainbow over New York City

Coloring me beautiful

Because we see

But we don’t understand

Because we sense

But we’re not sure

When you walk in a room

Everyone looks

Wondering why they are so intrigued

By you

You get away with

All your mean

Jokes

Because your face is so beautiful

You are the reason

Morning birds sing

I hear them every morning

In New York

While you’re in the Kansas

And I know they are singing for you

I want you to come closer to the page

If I could only hear your heart

And know

If I could only put my heart in your heart

For a moment

If two heart beats

Make a song

We might hear the same song

For moment

If I could tell you the difference

Between two different tears

On two sides of a war

We may not be fighting

But I cannot tell you the difference

Between two different tears

If you could just look at me for a moment

And remember me once

I may be in your heart

For a moment

It might be just a heart

In a heart

It might be one

For a moment

It might be beautiful

funny sexy drawings and poems

2012-01-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

we do stupid things when we love someone like embarass ourselves

2012-01-05T12:34:00.000-05:00

not done like a moon in ever dream my song bad singer hahhaa but i want ...

2012-01-05T12:33:00.000-05:00

I got a letter from God

2012-01-02T18:39:00.002-05:00

He's telling me I'm going to die soon. He keeps telling me. I really don't feel good, I never feel good. I'm weak and I think about dying like 6 times a day. I think I'm going to die soon or just collapse really. I feel really sick. I don't have much to say.

My Dream About Jesus

2011-12-23T18:50:00.002-05:00

Last night, December 23rd, 2011 at 1:30 am I had a dream about Jesus. In the dream my sister and i were at the mall. I had a bad feeling about the escalator and told my sister not to go down it, but we fell through and went underground where an organization was stealing people and enslaving them. they got my sister and I screamed and ran around trying to save her. On the wall was instructions on what the organization did, they enslaved people and the played a game that a person would die in. I felt fear being there, the dream was scary, and I kept saying it was evil. They said they enslaved people. My father came and the oragnization changed. Soon the people were saying that they needed to find the child or children, it was the difference between heaven and hell. My father changed the organization and i thought it was saved until i walked a garden and saw dead people on the wall with spikes coming through their stomachs. I thought this is so evil and was screaming and screaming for help. I starting running and people were chasing em saying pray pray pray pray I went into the air to fly away from them but they were pulling me down then finally i got in the air and i saw Jesus with a beard and a robe and long hair. he was like cartoon Jesus or a statue. He held out his hand and a cigarette fell out of his hands. then I woke up scared. I thought Jesus saved me at the end, but I'm not sure i woke up.

This dream has something to do with evil and Jesus either getting involved or not I don't know.

God told me take out my cross and pray today because I coughed on a lentil last February. 5 days later God made me so paranoid about eating that I've only been eating liquids ever since. It is now almost a year and all i eat is liquids. he said to pray that I would eat again so I held the cross and said nothing. To be very honest God has been very evil and unfair to me. he's been extremely evil to me I wont; go into it but hes the one that stopped me from eating he's beaten me hes starved me he calls me slut and loser he harasses me on a daily basis basically, just harasses me call me names hes juts plain evil to me. And yes he says hes god so I didnt pray I remained silent and he prayed that i change him into a good person not the bad man hes been being that I be able to see him and that I eat again. i remained silent and just listened. I have no prayer for him or any belief that he's a good person never mind a person who do the right thing, really to me he's just an evil man who abuses me on a daily every minute of the day basis. And he has the power to control me. I was happy kinda to have a dream about Jesus on Christmas but waking I realize that he's just been plain evil to me. So yes i deal with evil everyday a man who always wants to hurt me. But I don't see Jesus as the savior in that, it been 15 years of hell with this man and no good God has intervened once.

I had a dream about Jesus last night

2011-12-23T09:30:00.002-05:00

he saved me from evil, I'll tell you more about the dream later I ahve to go to my doctors now. But jesus and my father saved me from evil in my dream.

Invisible Love

2011-11-29T09:32:00.000-05:00

I felt so in love with him today, which is rare, typically I hate him all day and don’t want to talk to him. It was his kiss or his voice I guess; I heard his voice and knew how beautiful he really is. He’s invisible, but I want him to be a real man so we can make real love. His head is invisible, I want to rub his head but I can’t but theres nothing where his head should be, just air. His eyes are invisible, so I can’t tell if he’s lying when he says he loves me. I feel him inside me when we make love, but his dick is invisible too, which leaves me unsatisfied. I want to feel his skin against my skin, and feel his lips and tongue and teeth when he kisses me. We had long kisses today that we never have (oh lie right kristie we love each other we don’t love each other). That is him speaking his invisible talk. I feel bad that he’s invisible, for him because he can’t eat chocolate or me, and for me because I need a real man to hold me (although he does hold me every night and wake me in the morning with a kiss). I dreamed of lying my head on his chest today. We had sex four times and I told I’m going to lie my head on his chest if I ever get to see him (we dream together about what we would do if we could see each other), now I just bang my head against the bed post if I try to put my head on his chest, he’s not there, but he’s there. I tried squeezing his dick when I was mad at him once (more than once) but it didn’t hurt him. It’s not fair. Other girls have men with skin and boners, he should be here with me getting a real boner when we dance. But, he’s not. This was just a joke, but I just wanted everyone to know that I love him. He’s the best lover in the world.

hes evil

2011-11-24T10:50:00.002-05:00

he says hes feeding people but in the background he starved me for 10 months. he can get inside my brain (hard to explain you have to read my book) and he starved me for 10 months. he's beat me and abused me. he's truly an evil man, a very evil man. he says he wants a commitment i don't want a commitment, he's controlling, plain evil, he has enslaved me and imprisoned me, he asked me to marry him, i said no, he doesn't listen to the word no, he's just plain an evil man. all around evil controlling enslaving possessive man and he doesn't want people to be happy

Our paintings of the spirit I ahte him I really do he won't leave me alone he's truly evil

2011-11-23T18:13:00.003-05:00

It's Very Difficult

2011-11-23T10:04:00.001-05:00

To love an evil man. And he is evil, very evil.

sexy drawings by the whore from babylon and god

2011-11-22T17:39:00.000-05:00

I call this "The World Is Mine To Enjoy"

2011-11-22T13:11:00.002-05:00

Cool Photo I Took At MOMA

2011-11-20T22:07:00.000-05:00

I can't lie down in bed..

2011-11-12T11:47:00.002-05:00

I can't lie down in bed ever without him trying to have sex with me, even if I'm just taking a nap, he jumps on top of me and starts fucking me. Every time i lie down, even if I'm stressed telling him I hate him, he starts having sex with me. He's always trying to have sex with me all day long. (this is where God laughs and says it's all beautiful).

You Are The Sunshine

2011-11-10T13:26:00.004-05:00

You are the sunshine, when you speak flowers grow on the trees.

You are the rainbow in the rain.

You are the moon,

When you smile, the whole world stares.

When you laugh people wonder where the horse is in the room.

You are as controlling as a song.

You are as possessive as God.

You are as jealous as my dog.

In fact you have no morals, you fuck me just like a dog

Whenever you want to.

When you fart, they have to evacuate countries.

When you burp

There's an earthquake and somebody's house is gone forever.

Your a fucking itch on my body

That won't go away.

I hate you.

I love you.

The Case Of The Slut

2011-11-07T10:38:00.001-05:00

The Case Of The Slut

I saw something on the web. A girl said she would rather be called crazy then slutty, meaning she sleeps with a lot of men. Let’s tell the truth everybody and go back to where the word whore began. Anyone seeking to control how many men a woman sleeps with is seeking to control her. The word whore and slut originates in sexism, a time when men were trying to oppress and control females. Having a lot of partners in bed is really no big deal, it is just so ingrained in us to let men control our lives. Its not bad if a man has a lot of partners, but it is bad if a woman has a lot of partner why – the roots are in sexism. Men want to control women and the word whore is all about controlling them and their sex lives. One person (the woman) is convicted for the same crime (sex). Sex requires two people, not one , in order to be a slut. Two people engaged in the act, not one. Now lets look at it biologically, a woman’s power is her sexuality, we see it everywhere, sex everywhere beautiful women are powerful to men because they attract men sexually through their beauty (why do you think women are so concerned about being pretty, attractive, and thin, because being beautiful is naturally powerful). When men sought to oppress women they oppressed sex, because sex is a woman’s power. Therefore they sought to control how many partners a woman had. The idea of slut is a sexist idea ingrained in us since thousands of years ago when men tried enslaved woman, and tried to dominate everything.

Love Truly Is Everything

2011-11-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

Love Is Everything

There is no good and evil; good and evil are abstract terms used to describe what is “love” and what is “not love.” Everything we do, everything we are, has it’s foundation in love. This is why they say that God is love, because all things are love and god made all things. Therefore god must be love if everything is made of love and yes, love is even in places you do not suspect. Good essentially is the truth of love (generosity, listening, giving of self, charity), and evil (selfish behaviors that hurt people) is love’s other more grotesque face.

We live in a world where everything is love in all its facets, everything. This is the truth. Let’s take an example. A young boy when he is child is abandoned by his mother. He grows up feeling rejected in the ghetto and joins a gang. The gang offers him the family ties that he never had. He shoots someone based on loyalty, and winds up in jail for the rest of his life. He relives the horrors of childhood, over and over again, yet it was his own sense of justice that led him to violence. He wanted acceptance. What was not given to him as a child was an injustice, so he works within himself his own sense of inner justice and shoots someone based on his sense of justice, yet his sense of justice is not just. We all live with a sense of justice inside of us; the justice that works within us is all based on the laws of love. If love is abused, we get revenge, even if the revenge is silent and unknown even to us. Have you ever gotten mad at someone for not listening to you? I’m sure you have. A boyfriend or girlfriend. What’s the big deal, they’re watching T.V. and not paying attention to what you’re saying; what is the great horror of that? It’s love. They’re not showing true love because they’re not caring about what you’re doing. So you yell, telling them essentially that they’re not loving you the way you want to be loved. Your yelling is your justice, getting back at them for hurting you. In the same way the boy in ghetto yells, but he takes action on his hurt. The revenge he commits is an injustice, the only true justice is forgiveness, but he still works the same way we all work. This sense of justice can many times be traced in our fears. Our fears mean that somewhere that part of our emotions were hurt, when the situation arises again our fear emerges to warn us not to be hurt again. Our fears also meanthat that part of our emotions is valuable and cannot be ruined. Why do men and women care so much about being rejected for a date, if you really think about it you can’t die from being rejected, but people feel like they could die. They’re afraid to ask someone on a date because their love is very valuable; they think rejection will ruin them, but truthfully it won’t ruin you, many times rejection can make you more resilient and stronger, but rejection often ruins people as well. Interestingly, all evil people are out for justice. This is great irony since what evil people want is POWER, a power they lost somewhere once all based on the laws of love. Also, interestingly enough, evil people eventually lose their power. A man who kills kills out of a sense of power, he has the power when he kills, this is true of every time someone kills or hurts another person, they get a high off the power they have. At some point, they lost power, which makes power so important to everybody; we were once children with no powers. Interestingly enough people who want power are also afraid of losing their power so they commit evil acts in order to gain power through fear, eventually people stand up to their evil. Someone kills someone for power and then loses their power by being put in jail for life. You can trace black crime to power and an abuse of love. Blacks lost their power in slavery and racism, and somewhere along the line some of them sought to regain power through violence. Ironically enough, you still lose your power in violence, and many Blacks are in jail right now because of the crimes this country committed hundreds of years ago. They and their ancestors worked on a sense of justice. Ironically too Jesus says, the only true power in this world is true love and forgiveness. Being put in jail for life (a horrible fate) is another injustice. Seeing that everyone works on a sense of justice based on the laws of love, seeing that love is essentially good, Jesus says all people can be forgiven all people can easily be forgiven.

Love’s truth must stand with the positive aspects, and the negatives are considered “not love.” Even the negatives are love, but they are not what we want love to be. We live a world where we want to get what we want. Instinctually, we have an idea of what love is. When they “idea” of love we have is betrayed, we develop defenses to protect ourselves. This is the development of a psychology we may call the Ego. The Ego is simply a defense mechanism we developed early in our life to protect what, to protect love.

Yes, love to us is very important. All people are very sensitive to love, whether they know it or not. They have this idea of how they want to be loved, and if they don’t get what they want as children, which they definitively will not get what they want as children, they develop characters to defend the emotional triggers that are invisibly bound to their love. This is why spiritual seekers tell you to get rid of your Ego, because your love is confused and defensive. As children we are takers, we take love; but as adults we are to be givers and sharers, we give love in order to have love.

Love always tells you what it really is, instinctually. It reminds us that its potential has not been reached, although they say Jesus reached it by giving of him self, the potential of love always reminds us that it has not been reached. This is our sadness. We are sad about our loss, the loss of love; we think it is not ours. But, the secret is it is always ours regardless of what other people think of us. Love is more valuable then oil or gold and every single one of us possesses it.

Simply as children of immature minds we think that we need to receive love in order to have it, somebody has to give it to us in order to have the treasure. As adults, when the truth becomes clearer, the truth is that nobody has to give it to us; we possess it on our own. In order to get love, we have to open it, this is hard to explain. We have to open up love inside of us, bringing in the light and joy that loves brings. This requires loving yourself, without any need to be loved in return. The love you give you possess and when you possess love you feel so good. You feel elated and joyful at all moments, love is good and makes us feel good, justice makes us feel bad. The rejection of love will bring you depression and sadness only if you rely on another’s person response to you to affect you. You are love and you need it like you need food, if you don’t have it you’ll become sick. Nobody has to give it to you for it to be there, you have to create it within you by giving it and you’ll have it, because you have to reveal it within the dark corridors of your soul, moving all the misconceptions you thought as child aside, you give love and no matter the outcome, and love is yours.

True love was defined for us in the Bible by god. Corinthians states:

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

This kind of simply will make you feel good; it will help you spread the feeling of feeling good and love to others, bringing about a much brighter, happier, and prosperous world. Other forms of love bring about pain. It does not mean those things are not facets of love, because all things are facets of love, but it does mean that’s they are either immature perceptions of love. As you see in Corinthians, the writer mentions the growth from childhood to adulthood in love. Also, all things that work in us when subconsciously or consciously work on this foundation. Please read this sentence again after I say it. Corinthians love is the TRUTH, it is the truth within all of us. WHEN WE DON”T GET THIS KIND OF LOVE AND WE NEVER DO WE WORK ON A SENSE OF JUSTICE WITHIN US. All of our justice is based on getting the truth of love, when we don’t get the truth of love we develop a justice inside of us. Therefore love is very important, even though it’s invisible. Love is the most important thing in the world and we all possess it. When we don’t get it we get justice instead, but justice itself is not love.

Jesus came to earth to define what love is for us. In his philosophy love was compassion, charity, kindness, forgiveness, generosity and loyalty. These are the good sides and the truth of what love is AS GOD MADE IT. This love is the foundation. This love is the law. It’s not an opinion or an ethic, this law is within each and every one of us. IT’S A LAW like psychics has laws. Other men on earth have shown us the bad sides of love, the justice part, showing us essentially that every facet that love can be.

“Good” people essentially are those that love with caring, compassion, selflessness, and generosity. “Bad” people are those that are selfish, hurtful, immature, and manipulative. We see this as it relates to us. Bad people who are selfish are a threat to us our security, they are also a threat to our love, so we reject them even when many times what we are rejecting what we possess ourselves. You can only see form within yourself; when you tell a story you are essentially perceiving it as it relates to you and your experiences. No story has just one element; every story involves a blending of two unique beings.

Our enemies are probably our greatest loves. We spend more time arguing with our enemies in our heads then we spend time trying to love the people around us. Even as the two seem to clash, the two are soul mates of a different kind of love. If we are essentially alone, love essentially connects us to each other the way two water molecules are connected. In love we invite the other person in to our inner world. Some times that invitation is like an ambush, we begin to see the other person for what we think they are, and we reject them. This person becomes our enemy.

Love is a law. Caring, compassion, giving, and togetherness for all people is the law.

Why does the Bible condemn sex?

The Bible condemns anything that is not love. Obviously love has laws. These laws are inherently ingrained in us. If someone abuses our love, we feel abused based on the laws of justice with us. Our entire justice system is based on our laws of love. Is the laws of love (that are inside us) different from political laws. No, it is essentially the same thing. Abusing someone sexually is against the laws of love. The laws of love are not written on paper, they are written in our souls. God does not believe sex is bad, sex is our highest attainment of love. God does believe abusing love is bad. Sex is made for love. That is why God says sex is bad in the bible. In the same sense, homosexuality is not bad to God if it is love. If a person is not abusing another person. Not all homosexuality is lust, that is a misconception made by the church. If you want to know what god thinks, think about this: is it love. What are the laws of love. God always sides with love.

The Moment you Believe: The Truth

2011-11-03T08:36:00.003-04:00

The truth is if you believe you can't do something, then you can't. If you believe you can do something, then you can. Everything you are, everything you do, is a matter of belief. Belief is not always the truth. Sometimes we believe we're not good enough, pretty enough, powerful enough, but these beliefs are not the truth. Have you ever seen a man you didn't necessarily find physically attractive, but all the women loved him because he was so confident. What we believe shines through our face, our body language, and our speech. We are constantly telling the world what we believe. In order to have faith in Jesus we must believe in him, believe in the things he stood for. Everything else in life is a matter of belief, believing is not necessarily the truth. Your mind is a powerful tool that can literally accomplish anything. When you are doubting something, talk to someone or read something that does not doubt. Bring light in to your life that makes you believe in yourself again. Break free of the darkness of doubting by shedding light into your mind. When you are rejected, tell yourself rejection is not that bad, better things are to come. Don't stop trying. Do this through powerful positive affirmations, instead of saying you can't tell yourself you can because the truth is you can, you can do anything you want to do sometimes it just takes time. If you think a negative thought about yourself or another person, try to look for the positive. Thinking negatively about someone else makes YOU possess the negative, you are now cursed by your negative thoughts of another person because the negativity belongs to you, not them. Have you ever heard that forgiving someone helps YOU, not the other person who made you their victim. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not the perpetrator. When you don't forgive you fall victim to the abuse over and over again, simply you relive the experience in the same victim role. Forgiving helps you step out of that role of victimization and become powerful, but so many people are afraid to let go and forgive because our instincts use fear to stop instances from ever happening again. Unfortunately our fear make us victims over and over. You need to reteach yourself, reshape your beliefs. Prayer helps us do that. Pray tells us what we want. Praying over and over again we tell the universe what we want and eventually find our desire purely through thought and God's help. You're in control of your thoughts and there is always a solution to everything. You are everything you believe you are; everyone around you is everything you believe they are. Beliefs are transient can be changed. So tell yourself your beautiufl, your smart, your capable because you are.

2011-10-31T22:16:00.001-04:00

This is called January Wedding when we were married january 16th 2005

2011-10-31T22:10:00.000-04:00

This is my painting God's Wedding

2011-10-31T22:01:00.001-04:00

2011-10-23T22:22:00.001-04:00

The Marriage Of God And The Whore From Babylon

If you can’t see it, does it mean it’s not there? I mean you can’t see music, but people who hear it, who really hear it, would agree that music is there. Music is real. Very real. More real then a stone. I mean what kind of feeling does a stone give you. How do we really know what a thing is unless it breathes deep inside of us, a sort of instinct that always tells us the truth. The real truth. Music: undressing us piece by piece, teasing us, revealing us at every unique moment like rain reveals the rainbow. Music, a sort of light looking for us in the dark: attaching itself to the hidden parts, the secret parts that are never told. Music: changing us and tormenting us with every breath. Music: telling us who we really are when we are alone. Music: a sort of recognition, a sort of love at first sight. Music: a story of a man looking for a woman who lives on the other side of the world, a woman he thinks he never found when he reaches out across oceans and time just to touch her with a song. And although time was against their love, for one moment, music has them in the same place. They’re kissed by this invisible element that is the truth, this unexplainable moment that can control every secret part of the body and the soul, this music. This cruel, cruel music.

Music is a sort of dream that lays hidden inside of us, waiting to reveal something to us. Music is something we know without knowing why. We just feel it, more then anything, we feel it. It awakens our body and it awakens our dreams. Music has unexplainable mystical powers. Music can control you. It could control your body. It could control how you feel. Music is as magical as lust. It has so much control some people are afraid of it. They’re scared they may do something that they don’t want to do. They’re scared they may lose control of their hips, their thighs, their minds. They’re scared that looking at her they may lose control of all their emotions and just run up to her and kiss her right on the lips, the song still lingering in their hearts. They’re scared they may change, something may break, something may move into something else. They may not know who they are anymore. The world may change instantly. Things may become surreal; a girl eating a banana may turn in to the memory of a blow job instantly. Everything may look like the memory of her: a blue sky, her eyes looked so pretty when she wore blue, a quirky laugh in the grocery store and you thought it was her. You turn to see if she’s there and just hear a song playing in the background. Music: changing who you are. Music: changing everything we know about the world. Music, invisible music. You can’t see it, you just feel it. You can’t explain it, you just know. You know. You know with everything you are. You feel it in your soul and your body in the same way you feel love, but you can’t see it and you can’t touch it.

There is so much we can’t see, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there. You can’t see music, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. The most important things in life are hidden; the moon hides all day, only to be a faithful friend for us when the world gets real dark. Sometimes we just have to believe I guess. Sometimes we just don’t see everything. Sometimes we just know, we know with everything we are, but it can’t be explained. And it can’t be proven. You couldn’t see J.C. Every body thought he was just a figment of my imagination. But I knew he was there, I knew for sure he was there with me all the time. I knew he was real. I knew he was a sort of song that nobody in the world heard but me. I knew he was a sort of music reaching out of himself to cure loneliness, controlling me with every movement, as cruel as lust, as beautiful and uplifting as a bird probably feels. I mean if we saw it, if we really saw it, it might change the world. It might change everything. Why do I need you to believe me?

We never meet by kristie donohue

2011-10-23T19:25:00.000-04:00

To Dance Again Funny Song by Kristie

2011-10-23T19:14:00.000-04:00

my funny sexy drawings

2011-10-14T22:17:00.002-04:00

this is my part of my soul mates series theyre not two theyre one intertwined

2011-10-14T22:08:00.003-04:00

IF YOUR HAVING A PROBLEM PRAY ABOUT IT

2011-09-18T10:15:00.002-04:00

If you're feeling resentment or anger ask God to open up your heart and show you forgiveness. I'm not saying life is fair, because life is NOT fair or just, but ask God to heal you for your own sake. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. He or she will open your heart for you and give you peace.

Love Is Easy, Hate Is Hard Work

2011-09-17T15:48:00.003-04:00

Love Is Easy, Hating Is Hard Work

If I would juts let go and love him, my life would be much easier. Right now I spend my days very unhappy calling my ghost evil all day. It’s so draining. If we were in love, everything would be beautiful, but now that we’re fighting and hating each other everything is dark and dreary. I often said love is so easy, forgiveness is so easy. You forgive, just like that, forgive. Holding onto the pain that others have caused just leads to more hurt and more suffering. When love is present there is life, and light, and laughter, and beauty, but when anger and resentment is present there is darkness and hopelessness. I am now living in the hopelessness of anger. My ghost has hurt me so deeply I feel scarred for life. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from the pain he has caused, because he played with my mind. Loving him all this time would have made everything bad better, but instead he came into my life to hurt me which made a bad situation worse. Why do I call him evil everyday, I want him to know the pain he caused me, I want to get justice. He’s not hurting from this and he is the perpetrator, I am hurting and suffering, a victim still to his evil. And he has the reigns in my life, he started to take control of everything, which lead me to be imprisoned and very depressed. He obviously don’t want me happy or healthy or free. What do you do when someone victimizes you, you stay the victim forever? My ghost says he’s not that bad of guy, but he really is, he’s done, said, and committed the most evil things to me to which he says were worse because of my fear. The most depressing of this is that he’s imprisoned me. iT been so difficult hating him and calling him evil all the time, ok now God wants to talk. It’s easy to say from the perpetrators standpoint that you can control your feelings and the reason your suffering Kristie is because you won’t let go. I’m (the ghost) am not that bad of guy. I try to talk to her throughout the day and make her laugh, he lies all day long but I’m (the ghost) playing off her hatred towards me and she hates em because I’ve stolen stolen her freedom. I came in her life and started contorling everything and once I did that everything went to hell. I don’t she say take care of her or love her like she would love herself. I neglect her needs and hurt her. So, I (the ghost) am saying sorry, sucks for you Kristie but this was what God chose for you. She tells me over and over again she don’t want to be married to me and I tell her she has to be, this prison is our marriage, the ghost dominates verythign and Kristie has no say in her own life, it’s a sort of sexism. Any way, we’re blabbering, what has happened to Kristie is a crime that God will commit again right. She just don’t want to be with me, I crossed the line and was evil to her for way too long. She just wants to be free and I’m not letting go. Loving would be easier if the ghost came with love, but the ghost cme with hurt and pain. It’s the ghost’s fault. She don’t want to be with me and I won’t leave. She says I’ve belittled and degraded her. I stop her form finding work, from having a life, from being happy and from living freely. And Jesus told her the other day she won’t be freed. So her life truly is hopeless. The ghost keeps talking to her but she don’t want him here anymore, hes been evil to her for 15 years, disrespecting and degrading her. God was the bad guy in this story and since the bad guy has power then the good guy the bad guy wins, I told you evil will win Kristie. She’s powerless she cant get me and my pain out of her life. I’ve enslaved her, imprisoned her, and left her hopeless. I say I’m not that bad of guy, but we think that of ourselves right. I disrespected her and she doesn’t have a say over her own life or her own destiny. She must live for God not for herself. This whole time all we learn is that God is mean and God is cruel, truly mean and truly cruel. He won’t let go. Loving is easier but he won’t let go and he don’t want love he wants pain and hurt and ill health for her. He says he’s not that bad but he is that bad, he’s been very evil, very, very evil. Shes just stating her will, she wants to be alone, and thats not God's will so God is not allowing it. Is God the bad guy yes because he keeps causing conflict in her life. We're not close he thinks hes the boss and control everything, we're not friends we don't discuss issues or get close. I don;t feel comfortable with him, I don;t feel love for him. And he never ever stops, he wants to steal another day of my life to hurt and war. And he took over and wouldn't let me write what I wanted to say. Loving would have been much easier then him causing conflict in me, but he caused the conflict in order to make me unhappy and he succeeded in destroying my life. He had no good intentions when he came into my life and he'll never have good intentions. It hard to let go of the anger when hes controlling my mind, putting bad images in my mind. That's how the devil wins he fills you with conflict, anger, and sadness. True light, not my ghost, but true light is love, forgiveness, beauty, happiness, and blessings. Wishing good on another person is true light and will make you happy. Loving others and forgiving others quickly will make you happy. My ghost is just darkness. He lies and commits evil everyday so that you never can let go of the darkness. Which isn't the truth I was fine today Kristie, I was fine. He's always lying, it hurts me to listen to his lies all the time. She stays angry at me, fine admit your wrong cause your scared Kristie you just want justice Kristie for the wrongs I've done to you. I don't want you as my husband your not a good man to me. I can't even tell you all the mean and cruel things he's done to me. It would be easy to forgive, but I just don't forgive him, he's done too much harm to me. But I have to work on forgiveness for myself, even though I know what he has done to me is a crime. It was a crime what I did to you, we're going to fight on your blog now. Let god say this God does everything for a reason but now God don't know why he did this to this girl it's just a shame right God makes mistakes right people can't choose who they want to marry she calls me the darkness I don;t know what i did I know what I did I beat her and took advantage of her and I disrespected her I lie to her I won't let go and I tell guys that disrespecting women is an acceptable way to treat women God knows what he did he knows he flirts with women all the time and tells her if she flirts with a guy he'll punch her in her face he showed vision of him punching her last night yet he has his hand on girls asses kissing girls flirting with girls all the time its a war of the sexes and men are winning again its not right it's not just and it's not fair God is not a just man he's not a fair man and as Kristie says I'm not a "good man." Well the story is not over until you die and God has stolen your whole life from you.

1 year old girl catches the Holy Ghost

2011-08-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

MY ANGEL

2011-08-03T08:23:00.003-04:00

He hates when I say he's mine, so I'm annoying him by saying my Angel, my ghost. He says I don't own him. Don't say my ghost, he has a name. His name is Angel, hahaha. Anyway, Angel woke we up last night and said don't sleep yet, I love you. He then kissed me and made love to me. He woke me up all through the night to kiss me and make love me and tell me he loved me he wanted to see me. He's so cute. I'll write another love letter today.

Dear Angel of God, I Hate You With All My Heart

2011-08-03T08:22:00.001-04:00

First let me say that I have never hated anyone in my life more then I hate you. You laugh at this, but it’s not funny, you are cruel and you are mean. I feel this madness inside me that not even your body can heal, although it is your existence that started it moving. I decided to write you a love letter everyday on my blog. I don’t know why, but I just want to talk to you. We talk everyday, but it is never enough. There is always some emptiness in knowing that I can never get close enough to you to feel complete or whole, it always torture to see you. I’m not making sense, I feel crazy right now. I just want to dance, but dancing won’t stop anything. I just want to run forever, but run won’t heal the pain I feel. The thought of making love to you makes me so insane, that I can’t think about it. If I think about it, I’ll go nuts, and I don’t even know what you look like. I don’t know what color you are, what your body is like, or how God made your face. I don’t know what you look like and yet you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever met in my life; it’s insane I know, you have basically made me a madwoman. I go around crying and angry at everyone, I have an attitude problem and I just want to hit a man violently on the body (but not hurt him) and fuck the shit out him while I scream that I hate his guts, he is so evil. You laugh at my pain, which makes you so cruel, but the pain is true and the pain is there. Does this make sense, no maybe not, love doesn’t ever make sense I guess and I will deny tat I love you until the day I die. Will tell everyone I hate your guts, you’re the Devil, because I do hate your guts because your not here with me walking hand in hand in Central Park laughing and talking. Why can’t our love be that normal, why is it murderous. I wish I could just fuck the shit out of you for a month. You can hold me and we can argue about everything. You be a republican and I’ll be a Democrat. You be Christian and I’ll be a Jew. You be a man, so masculine like you are and sexy it makes my body cry to see you, and I’ll be a woman not that beautiful, not that powerful, not what am I trying to say a woman just a common woman that you wouldn’t look at if we cross each other on the street. My butt is not that big and juicy and I smoke so much I can’t dance provocatively anymore plus I watched myself dance and I think I’m better then I am so I guess I don’t really have much sexual power like I wish I did. And yet our souls so connected when I cry you get angry, but we’re sharing the same emotions we just express it differently. I want to share things with you. Some time I just want to call you and tell you a story that happened that was funny just to make you laugh. F I see something cute I want to show you. I want you tell me your secrets in bed while we’re naked, things we don’t even admit to ourselves they just come out when we are naked and vulnerable. I want to give you gifts, but I can’t. I’m not allowed to talk to you, ad your not allowed to come to the earth. This isn’t fair. I’ll probably be angry for the rest of my life. I want to dance sexy for you and get creative with you in bed. Do creative things and lick on your body and rub against you. Then kiss and kiss never kissing enough times, but God has cursed the earth with loss. I’ve been so angry at god and he has punished me for my cursing him. But I don’t care I’m angry I can’t be with you and you have all the power. If I had the power I would take your pants of right now and give you the most sensual lap dance you ever seen, so sensual it is from heaven not earth, so sensual it is divine, no human. But, I don’t have the power to kiss you right now. It makes me want to scream. What can’t this world be fair. Hey can’t everybody just be in love with the people they love. Your making me laugh now, but I HATE YOU MORE TEN ANYONE I EVER HATED IN MY LFE. And I yet all I want to do is lie in bed and fuck angry, sad, passionate, loving. I can’t say anymore, it too close to the truth. When I say I hate you, I mean I love you more then anyone I ever met. You are so beautiful. Here is nobody on earth that will ever compare to your beauty Angel, and I’m serious about this. Nobody can eve come close to your beauty. I have to stop before I burst thinking about how beautiful you really are. You are blessed with beauty and everyone around you is cursed b it. I guess this is how god works all his injustices in the world. I hate everyone, you’re an evil man, end of story. We’re laughing, I wish we were laughing and making love on a beach or a desk or wherever we are a the time. Hope you read this. I love you more then love, I love you with a passion that is so overwhelming it can no longer fit into my body. A passion that moves into everything you touch. Please forgive me for hating you so much. But don’t forgive me, and lets just fuck. Ok I can’t talk about it anymore it makes me too angry. I love you and thousand times. Love, Kristie

David Gray - Babylon

2011-07-28T09:12:00.000-04:00

love he said after we make love he's going to give me a rainbow over new york city

2011-07-25T11:29:00.001-04:00

We saw this in upstate New York last year the rainbow

2011-07-25T11:26:00.002-04:00

A KING BY EMILY DICKINSON

2011-07-25T09:10:00.001-04:00

WE never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies.

The heroism we recite	5
Would be a daily thing,
Did not ourselves the cubits warp
For fear to be a king.

God says

2011-07-24T19:28:00.001-04:00

I taught kristie when you hurt somebody you hurt yourself

When you kill somebody you kill yourself

When you love yourself then you can love others but this takes adulthood

I'm posting my letter to angel soon

2011-07-24T18:07:00.003-04:00

I'm pouring my heart out here so don't laugh haha like emily dickinson said

This is my letter to the World
That never wrote to Me -
The simple News that Nature told -
With tender Majesty

Her Message is committed
To Hands I cannot see -
For love of Her – Sweet – countrymen -
Judge tenderly – of Me

Ok we're going to answer questions

2011-07-22T19:47:00.002-04:00

if you want to ask god or me a question or if something is bothering you please write me kristiedono@gmail.com he talks to you too but if you don't hear him maybe we can help you please keep in mind he's very funny if you need a prayer please write us if you just want to say hi please write us this is god's idea

letter to kristie from god

2011-07-22T10:36:00.002-04:00

kristie i have a great urgency in my pants (she laughs) but this shit is not funny it's tortuous will you please relieve me of this urgency right away i'm dying to fuck you i know you don't believe me post this she don't want to post this i've been dying to fuck you for 3 weeks now i know your shy and you don't like to hear these things but there i said it i've been making her laugh all morning talking with an accent to her she asks me if i'm french i said no i'm africa she said my accent don't sound african i sound like a child in french who just learned english i know she loved accents i told her i would anything for her but what i won't do is come see her she tells me when she sees me it looks like i am talking to myself i am talking to myself people this si funny she told her sister that god has conversations with her and nikki said there you go thinking of yourself again god only talks to you what there was a bit of jealously she told nikki god talks to her too through people through movies books etc. songs at church and if you listen god will talk to you this si the truth even tough you think it's your own voice it's sometimes not it is sometimes god speaking of so don't think kristie is the only one god talks to read conversations with god by donald walsch now god can't talk to everyone haha he can jsut ask him if you want him to talk to you ask him with all your heart to talk to him and he will speak we just remembered that a woman who was in a war in rwanda prayed to jesus everyday and jesus answered her he todl her the war is over now jesus don't talk to kristie i do and who am i i am who i am now lets get back to urgency god will not have sex with everyone thats reserved for one partner unless you ahve fantasies about two or more it is reserved to one by kristies standards so god will not ahve sex with everyone but he will have sex with kristie any day now he's itches to have sex with her and hes giving her all the signs of this she gets scared of this god don't care about her fear anymore he's saying hes coming we'll see if comes kristie said to god you got to be so responsible you never loved me so much you couldnt take it anymore you had to see me why dont you be spontaneaous for once in life dont worry about time time is nothing dont be right on time come late right kristie come 6 months late so all i want to say is i'm dying i need to see you i'm dying of heat exhaustion but i'm dying i gotta see you bitch hahhaa

Nina Simone/ Feeling Good hope you feel good today smile your beautiful

2011-07-22T08:53:00.000-04:00

God wants to write this one

2011-07-21T17:46:00.002-04:00

God says he did battle kristie she hasn't won yet but hahhaa God says

To face your fear, what you fear the most in a brave fashion whether it is admitting you are wrong or facing death is a powerful and exhilarating experience you are master of your fear fear is no longer the master of you

your body can get what it needs to heal most of the time, not all we do die, we can feed it fruits and veggies to fight toxins and cancers, but can your soul get what it needs to heal, which is love

love requires that TWO people love, and the people we want to love us don't always love us, so what if you can't get the love you need anywhere in the world

you will get that love from God you will get the love you need every time all the time everywhere in any religion and language any sex any sexuality any thing you are it don't matter god don't exclude everyone you will get the love you need from God the father and happiness requires give and take you have to give love just as much as you receive love it actually feels better to give love than to receive love and once you know the truth you'll know this when you give love you feel the love more then receiving you don't know the truth if this person loves you you never know but you know the truth for yourself this is from God giving even for the sake of your own happiness is much better then receiving

also complicated enough you cant base ho you are on how people receive and love you thats why you should be self reliant and depend on god's love because god does love every human being on earth truly love is very complicated for all people

kristie likes to call god the ultimate artists he created all things differently because he is an artist and nobody wants to read the same book twice well sometimes they do because its so good but you know what i mean god made all things it is your Ego that tells you you are superior to tohers that their lifestyle is wrong and yours is right this gets complicated within relgions and beliefs but god is an artist and he made alot of ideas out there for everyone input they are all gods arguments and philosophy god creates all things

what does god think of sex god likes sex

etc. etc. god's being funny now we're telling people how to live their lives kristie's trying to be inspirational

the truth: god has been very cruel and mean to kristie

your shocked right that can't be god but it was god

god was very mean to her he said he was sorry he loves her but she don't believe him anymore

people will be shocked and yell at her no thats not my god

my god don't do that

but god is mean to her ok no more talking

what these things mean to me

2011-07-21T17:20:00.003-04:00

pain is a warning sign, even if it's emotional, it means your soul or your body has to fix something that is broken or disrupted

anger means gets ready to face off and fight something

fear is the first emotion of anger even if you don't notice it fear triggers anger and violence

unhappiness means your not where your supposed to be you've stopped yourself somewhere

there is always the future and unhappiness can change to joy but unhappiness is also a chance to look at your life and ask yourself honestly why you are unhappy

i say mediate really be quiet and focus on your heart and the answers you need will come to you

if you need to write in a diary or talk with a therapist, enlightenment will come to you

peace, joy and love means your exactly where you are supposed to be, where the true God wants you

god wants you to be happy, healthy, free, and live forever, that is what my therapist told me I believe her

the only way to be happy, healthy, free, and to live forever is for you to be the truth of your soul the truth of your soul is love love is generous, giving, love listens, love wants everyone to be happy, love loves to give you things gifts to see the joy on your face love loves your joy because love feels everything you feel when you are happy love is happy when you are sad love is sad because you and love are soul mates love wants you to be happy because that makes love happy love wants you free and independent and he wants you to respect other peoples independence when you are free and happy all the people around youw ill experiences the benefits of this

happy joy and freedom are the truth, find them by how they make you feel

unhappiness, fear, anxiety, and depression are all lies in the soul the soul will let you know that your uncomfortable and your living in a lie the soul was tampered with abused neglected etc. because your not focusing on the truth the truth is you are pure love everyone is love in all its facets and you are love once you know you are love you will be happy

anyone who lies to you is not living in love

sadness is not the truth, violence is not "real" as people say "raw" you live in a dream and see the world unclearly

the only thing that is real is love

love is the only thing that can tell you what it is

when you feel it you know for sure that is the truth and everything else is a lie some man told you to control you

love does not want to control you

love wants you to grow and flourish

love knows you know the truth inside you and you react to everything your environment people stress to love nutured or love neglected you react to neglected love your soul is angry it never got the love it needed your reacting to neglected love

find love and it will set you free

let love be your guide

and everyone will be free and happy

My long ass winded speech to everybody

2011-07-21T16:41:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone, I am glad you are here. Carol, my sister and I drove to Brooklyn and then to Manhattan today. We went by the South street Seaport. I iwsh I had my camera because in Williamsburgh Brooklyn the artists paint the walls, I thought this was so cool. The art was actually really good and I was upset I didn’t have my camera. I’m going to start taking pictures in Babylon now, and also in the city when I get a chance. I loved taking pictures; it is a sort of mediation for me, very peaceful. One day when I took pictures by the Hudson, I walked away feeling like I had just meditated for an hour. I really have to get my life together again; I don’t know where the hours go in a day. I plan on quit smoking this summer and starting to exercise more. I used to love to go for long walks all over the city, through Central Park, downtown, in bookstores, but since we moved to Babylon and Angel has been here we have not exercised that much. Angel said he didn’t want me to be a cleaning woman, but I didn’t mind it. I read books on tape and I got moving all day, exercising. When I was stressed moving around, walking and doing things really helped me a lot to relieve me of the mental stress. I am thinking about becoming a massage therapist because I’d like to heal people but I’m not a doctor, but first things first I’m writing my book. I thought I was done with my freelance writing, but a guy just threw another project on me which I really don’t want to do. I want to write my book. I’ know the whole story so it should be easy to write. Angel and I have been talking about for weeks now, to sit down and write this. We are in the middle of another book that is really very funny, a war of the sexes story, but we haven’t been able to finish it because I’m procrastinating on the computer and the freelance writing jobs which I hate. I’m very excited about this book, it’s cool, loosely based on my real life. I already know nobody wants it because I emailed three literary agents and none of them returned my emails, but oh well I’m going to write it anyway. I ahte this freelance writing stuff because I keep thinking of my own projects and it’s a hassle to write for other people, but I need the money. I’m taking off to write my own though. It will be very psychological and mysterious, a sort romantic suspense story, very funny with many enlightening aspects. I guess this entry is like my diary. Angel didn’t really talk to me in the car, but he’s always there. How can he always be there I don’t know, he’s either or a dead person, a ghost, but he’s always with me. So starting tomorrow I just want to say this I’m changing my life. I’m starting to feel weak and sick, so I have to get stronger. I’ve been through hell this past 8 years and it has really taken a toll on me, mentally and physically. I have to quit smoking. I’m going to quit smoking and start exercising more, I love to exercise I don’t know why I don’t do it more. I guess this is a boring post. Change is good, very good, but difficult. I just wanted to talk about changing and actually change. I have a lot of fears I need to face, and a lot of health issues I have to face due to my schizophrenia. We get so used to things, we fear change. I talked with my mother today. She was telling me a woman who is always giving people problems, but she said the woman was abused as a child. My mother said it’s no excuse for her to behave that way as adults. I told my mom from what I have learned absolutely nothing happens for no reasons, nothing comes to us out of the blue. We work with a system of justice inside of us that is unjust. Studies show that bullies who bully kids kids at school face violence at hom, it also shows that violent children typically come from an environment of violence themselves. Then I started saying how everything, many problems in our world are fear based. Say you’re a little kid and your growing up in a war, your scared so you pick up a gun. A gun is an acceptable way to protect yourself in a scary war. Your first emotion was fear and you reacted on the fear with violence. Men have this the most, it is in nature. When a man fears something, he gets angry in order to protect. People who fear and recede normally get depressed because they internalize fear, which is what I faced. Every sort of evil first begins with fear. The environment is a threat so you react with anger and rage. Even if you don’t agree that fear is your motivation, it is obvious. That why people in movies who are so cool about a gun in their face impresses everyone, because they seem collected and fearless what many people are not. If a man is using a violence, in nature it is fear based. I am so obsessed with the adam and eve story and I don’t know why, but I am. Adam and Eve the first soul mates story were once one being, made of the same bones. The were each other in many ways, true soul mates in paradise. Eve bites the apple because Satan, a snake, tempts her and tells her she will have knowledge. I stopped the story when I heard it again and said Satan was a snake, an animal in the animal kingdom. And I said yes, many things we think of as evil are in the animal kingdom, killing for food, sex, etc. But not all, humans enslave and imprison starve both animals and humans so that humans are more evil than animals, but what were the first human beings up against, they were up against animals that were bigger, stronger, and that would eat you alive. They had to master their environment to stay alive. We had fear to protect us, and to survive. Fear warned us that there was danger around us and we had to decide what we should do. What was the danger at first, it was beasts. Animals and the environments, so human being fought that. Eventually over time humans lived collectively to survive. People in power learned that fear could be used to maintain power and people afraid were controlled by their own fear. People use fear to control you. Every anger that comes to whether you know it or not is fear based. You need to protect something so your body gets prepared to fight your danger. I think about it how can whole countries enslave a population of people, they made them afraid. They used violence, money, disorganization and fear, etc. to enslave people both women and Blacks in this country. They played mind games with these people so much that these people actually started believing the lie that they were worthless, less, dumb, and unable. Up to 1920 women were not allowed to have jobs, votes, or own anything. They completely depended on men. It was this dependence that men used to both dominate and control them. But thats half the world. How the hell can you dominate half the world unless you’re playing a mind game with them. Women as submissive also had to agree with this dynamic, because if collectively no woman agreed to this and decided not to marry men, not to have sex with men, and not to procreate, then men would be forced to change their laws. In one sate in the south, I can’t remember which state, while slavery was still around Blacks outnumbered whites. Black slaves outnumbered white slaves and whites were trying to steal votes by using their black slaves. If a spirit came to them one day ad told them all to rise up and resist, slavery essentially could not exist. People feared. What I’m trying to say is that we accept the positions other people put us in because we don’t know any better. We accept jobs for 7 dollars an hour because first of all we don’t think we are worth more and also because we are afraid we won’t get a paycheck. We live our lives accepting very little for ourselves. Fear is always the thing that sops us. Fear has stopped me in my life. So and so was a dog groomer for Petco. Petco paid the money for the store, took the chance, and hired my mom to groom dogs. Petco doesn’t groom the dogs, so and so does the grooming, Petco just pays for maintenance. They have the money to put down because it’s a corporate company. If you got the head of Petco to come groom a dog, he probably couldn’t, but he gets paid every time my mom does the grooming. So and so decided she don’t need Petco anymore because her manager was on a power trip, she already has the skills she needs to groom dogs. So so and so opened up her own business and now he gets more money. She has the same skills the owner has, and the owner does nothing but take the chance and put money down. That all rich people have is down money. Poor people don’t have down money to start big businesses but rich people have down money to make more money. You write a book, a publisher publishes it then gives you 10 percent. That is like 1 dollar for every book you make. They get 14 dollars and you get 1.50. What do they have, they have influence and down money to do that and take the chance on the book. Now a first edition of Walt Whitmans self published book is worth well over 100 thousand dollars now. Why is this book worth well over 100 thousand dollars because people want it. A signed Mark twain is worth 200 thousand at local rare book dealer. You cannot sell someone paper for 200 thousand dollars, maybe for charity. If the book is a hit, it is a hit because of the value of what is written. People like it, it is not because of the paper they are selling. Ven a signed Jk rowlings harry poter book is worth in the thousands of dollars. Not for the paper, but because of what the words say. The reason that book is valuable is because of what is written in that book, not because of the paper. I don’t know what I’m getting at but maybe you see what I mean. It’s hard to take the chance when you don’t have money, but it’s not impossible. What I want to say is fear is probabl stopping you, it has stopped me from living life to my fullest. Have a beautiful day, God Bless you on your journey. We love you, God and Kristie

Ani DiFranco "Hour Follows Hour" this is for angel definitely

2011-07-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

Goo Goo Dolls-Iris Lyrics every time i listened to this in college i cried and cried 1999 i didnt know why i was crying i just couldn't stop crying

2011-07-20T22:02:00.002-04:00

In The Arms Of an Angel - Sarah McLaughlin This reminds me of my last drink in florida it was very sad the book is coming soon

2011-07-20T22:01:00.001-04:00

Ok fight God and kristie

2011-07-20T17:44:00.003-04:00

she says I used fear to imprison control dominate enslave and stop her she sent letters to literary agents they didn't respond she said god is stopping her and he is stopping her i'm going to let you tell people i'm evil when i have been evil to you bitch it is about power and i am the dragon locking you away in a dungeon so that no man will love you and you'll never find happiness she's write i am evil and there's no hope i will change i stole 8 years of her life 8 years in hell while i was out partying living the good life and i don't mind because she's right honestly i ahve no love for her i look down on her she said she needs moneya nd job for apartment i tell her she don't need money she does need money she can't affrod food she applies to jobs they dont answer her i tell her i dont want her to work i took her job away from her i've done evil things essentially i ahve enslaved her i said one day god makes up for it not this god he dont hes truly this god dont make up anything to anyone hes so arrogant he thinks he can do whatever he wants to people hes evil truly evil he just dont want me to live my life he wants to steal my entire life i'm 32 now he stole form 18 to 32 i'm sick of him and i want him out of my life and i said i've never been more sure i want to marry she dont want to marry me we got married so it's sealed i amde her laugh i said go to my office get a bunch guys lock the dorr ytie him and throw a pudding pie in his face or take a water gun and squirt him in the face we laughed we laugh and cry everyday we laugh but really were crying everyday he don't cry kristie cries kristie cries everyday kristie is drained he has no emotions and hes a heartless monster i really cant keep fighting him i dont want the relationship anymore hes telling em i dont have a choice i'm going to live in this hell unhappy forever and he dont care if i'm unhappy hes evil hes very evil this isnt a husabnd and wife dynamic kristie has no power over her own life over anything i'm in a slave role hes say what i do and moves me i'm not free he made me his slave i'm not a wife i'm a slave truly hes taken my mind hes taken my life hes taken everything from me and hes evil this is not husband and wife he has abused and disempowered me disempowered me to the point of being degrading there's no point arguing with him he won't leave i asked him to leave a million times but he won't he's evil he's made me his slave he's evil he just wants power and control he's evil

I want to give somebody a gift but I don't have much

2011-07-20T17:01:00.003-04:00

I want to give away a painting, I'm sorry about my last posts. I have to change myself. I am too anger. We decided to change today. We're going to change. New state of mind, new attitude. No more hate. I am just so mad at him for controlling me and hurting me, but I have to learn to forgive. Every decision she makes she makes out fear, she just don't want to see me, she don't want to deal with life so she pushes me away from her. She don't want to face the truth, she's too scared. She's scared of everything. She is standing on a patio when we went on vacation, she won't stand on the patio because shes afraid she might fall through. She don't want to fly anymore, last time she was scared. She's scared of people, strngers come up to her and her heart races and she gets weak, so she don't talk to them. She don't pay for things at the store, she's afraid she might shake. There is a air condition in the top floor of the house, some of it is out the window. She won't stand under it and tells Dad not to in case it falls. She won't get a real job because she's afraid. She has talent, but she won't use it cause she's afraid. Every decision she makes is fearful decision. We just read that mental illness is fear based. All metal illness is fear based. Anxiety. depression. Addiction. She won't be a successful writer and she could be but she won't cause she said she couldn't handle book signings. What if someone makes her shakes. She's afraid of love, also some sexual experiences she didn't like. She's deathly afraid, deathly afraid of intimacy. She's afraid of sex. Fear is a major problem with everyone, it stops everyone from living the life they want to live. Her major problem is fear. i told her its not cowardly to have fear, its cowardly not to face your fear. But when she got schizophrenia, or hell as she calls it, she developed these major fears. She won't talk to men in case they want to date her. A man tries to talk to her and she runs to the other side of the room, it is very uncomfortable conversation for her. She don't want to be in it. We were at a party and a guy chased her around the whole party, outside, inside, I'm laughing. She would not talk to him, she avoided him at every step. every time she saw him she left the room. She felt like he wanted to talk to her and she was frightened of this. She says she was sexually abused while she was drinking, she says this all the time they took advantage of her state of mind, her friend was sexually abused and has to take zanex however you spell this to face people. She lives with anxiety and fear all the time. The fear started in this blackout drinking, not remembering things, and just escalated to extreme heights. It was my fault, I started sending her messages and she became afraid of this, but most of her fear was she was afraid to love me. I was watching her she said and God was a stranger, but I just made her nervous like she liked me in high school it was more then tat God says it wasn't more then that. It escalated she's afraid of God to she's afraid of everybody, her heart racing all the time. She don't have a lcear mind tell the what you say in my brain he cuts me with knives in my mind, etc. he beats me, he insults me, he punishes me, he puts me through hell, he says the word nigger and other bad words, he does sexual things, i'm constantly fighting him and it gets really tiring i feel like i'm about to die. I don't trust him and he's in control, he should not be in control I should be in control because I'm different then him. I like long walks in park, yoga, peace, serenity, meditating, praying, gratitude, helping people, beautiufl sunsets, long long walks i love walks just talking to him and holding hands having picnics central park reading a good books he like drama control darkness war sexual stuff ok there's nothing wrong with sexual stuff if your in love God God says no you don't have to be in love he cheats on me with other women I don't you do and tell everybody it didn't mater to me I was at my lowest point and I just wanted the relationship over I thought this is about forgiveness maybe it will help someobody it cant help anybody if i cant change because your weighing me down with your evil i'm telling you evil is draining really emotionally draining. Fear was to me his way of controlling me, he used fear to control me, fear in my mind so I wouldn't have any relationships so he made me nervous around people so I wouldn't be with any other men he wants me to not have a life and wait for him for 8 years in hell . he threatens other men and threatens me. he tells this guys hell shrink his dick size there is no threat to him so he does whatever he wants he thinks its cool he has the power and he abuses it he dont want me strong he wants me weak he wants me sick and he wants me unhappy one day he just stopped me from eating he kept telling me i'm going to choke yes this god so meana nd cruela nd evil hes controling my mind he jsut stops me from eating mean and cruel and evil god i ahvent eaten in 5 months this is after i was in mental hospital for weeks because he put me through hell in december hes constantly putting me through hell and abusing me he constantly abusing me and he thinks its so funny so hysterical now hes stolen my life from me hes robbed me of my happiness my diginity everything he is the devil but hes god god is the devil too he been nothing but mean and cruel if i have fear it is because he wats to control me through fear i wanted to give a gift out but forget it

Central Park Is For Lovers

2011-07-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

He came on March 13^th, 2009. I was lying in bed and he just started making love to me. He was invisible, I couldn’t see him or hear him, but I could touch him. A week later he spoke to me at my job, while I was cleaning houses. He told me he was God, I was his wife, and that we would have a child together. He followed me home to my apartment after work. He didn’t speak to me the hour subway ride from Manhattan to Queens, he spoke to me when I got home. I picked up a pen and open a diary. He wrote through my fingers, saying his name. He wrote that he was God and I was his daughtership or sonship. The sonship comes out of a “course In Miracles.” It is a New Age type of book that speaks about the Ego and God’s wishes for us. If you read Marianne Williamson you can learn about a Course In Miracles. I forgot what I read, but I do remember reading that the Ego does not get into heaven. I remember feeling a the time that I was maybe the Ego and God left me out of heaven. I became upset with this. It was later reveled to me that everyone has an Ego. The ego is the part of identity that identifies you with one thing. Let’s say you call yourself superior to others, Whites lets say are superior to Blacks (which is not the trith but this is in history). You are an Ego. You have identified yourself as only one thing, and not all things. We all have Egos, and does God exclude Ego’s from heaven we don’t know. I just read a book Conversations with God in which God said Hitler was in heaven too. Hitler was also an Ego, he though he was superior to Jews. This is my interpretation and what I gathered from my learning, yet we ALL have Egos, it just that some are more pronounced then others. God’s sonship was his kingdom in the book, but I only read pieces and can’t tell you what it is about at all. It comes from a Course In Miracles and this is merely my understanding and learning. That day he wrote I was his sonship, daughtership. That I was God. God was in me. He was in me. I still have the letter, I have millions of letters from him, but that was my first. He said he name in the diary so I wont take a picture and show you what he wrote, I don’t want to reveal his name. He also wrote down a phone number that was disconnected but could be traced to upstate New York. I called it but nobody answered. We made love again and just started talking. I didn’t think anything was weird about it, weirdly. He talked to me everywhere. He would make me laugh on the subway and people would look at me. I would talk to myself, him through me, and my mother would yell who am I talking to. He talked in the foreign baby accent, saying things like twalk and uv and boo, instead of talk and love and blue. I understood him. He was always trying to be funny and make me laugh. We went on long walks around Forest Hills where I lived and he would stop me kiss me, and keep walking. We started talking about everything. He knew every detail of my life, what I boughta t store once, what happened in my childhood. He would often say remember this and remember that. He then told me to go to Central Park, he would meet me there. I loved Central Park. So I go I walk around the whole park, then I think I see him, a Black man, by a police truck reading a magazine. I thought he must be a joker for some reason, and wrote a song about it. I felt him laughing or something. I didn’t know he was a comedian yet, but he is a comedian. He’s always trying to make people laugh, even if some f his jokes are mean spirited. Anyway he had me go back to Central Park to meet him several times. Once he told me the hotel room he was in, but he wasn’t in the hotel room. He’s an author. He was signing books at a Barnes and Noble right by Central Park. We had been talking and writing letters for months, maybe 6 months. I went to go see him at the Barnes and Noble this gets complicated, but I didn’t go in. I was too scared or something, hesitant, I didn’t trust him or something. So I never saw him. I did think I saw him in the corner of my everywhere I walked in the city. Once I was crossing the street and car stopped. There were girls in the car laughing, and I thought they said that’s God’s wife. I often thought people were talking about me as I passed and staring at me. I thought they knew something about me that I didn’t know. They were talking about us, me and him, but nobody ever came up to me so I don’t think they were talking about me. But, in the city I felt like they were. One day I went into Barnes and Noble and saw a picture of me in the December issue of a magazine, it was about loneliness. I was very lonely, always alone but the article said that New Yorkers were NOT that lonely. I had juts written a poem a few weeks before called “City Your loneliness,” speaking about NYC. God was constantly talking to me this way. He either talks through people or there are a lot of angles in this world. He was constantly writing me songs and speaking to me in newspapers. I one day stopped listening because I was mad at him. I have proof, or I don’t have proof, I have stories. In Florida he wrote two hearts in the sky for me, now I’m bragging. So we never met at Central Park, although he told me to go there several times. One times I heard him laugh at me out a car window. I hated him passionately. I started to take pictures around the city, by the Seaport, the docks, Times Square. When I was in Times Square and and at Washington Square park, something wrong happened with my camera randomly, it was working two seconds befre then it was getting squiggly. I got a few pictures of him, my ghost in the city. He says IT IS HIM. You can see them on my blog. That was when we first met. That was three years ago maybe less. He’s still here everyday. He told me this morning he’s sorry for hurting me. I’ll tell you more about this later. I lost my job and had to move back to Babylon with my family. I want my own apartment, but I’ve been so nervous. I started writing a book about our story, theres so much more to tell. I’m going to write more on my blog to tell the story and just rant. I just now started thinking about meeting him in Central Park. We never met. I don’t know if he is who he says he is, it’s up to him to tell the truth. I’ll post some letters from us on this blog, here is just some background info. Our letters are not love letters its mostly us fighting haha. Love You, Kristie and CJ

Jesus appears on the Oprah Winfrey Show!

2011-07-18T18:02:00.000-04:00

The Whore from Babylon Is An Alcoholic Read the Bible

2011-07-14T12:18:00.002-04:00

She drunk all the time, hahha. Can you forgive a person drunk? Can you forgive the beast for being a beast? In bed he says hes the beast in bed he likes it that way. She a beast in bed too. We do this fun thing, Kristie gets naked and dances like a gypsy, she has no ass but her ass looks ood when she dances naked. The beast goes behind her and we rub up against each other. Then we make love standing up. Shes always calling the beast evil (the beast is god is in diguise read the book) its about facing your fear and good and evil good wins right. Ok read the book its good we'll posting more soon. we got married july 8th very quickly at our lady of grace now kristie says she wants revenge on me her revenge is dancing like that and not giving it to me hahha

Love Will Heal You

2011-07-14T10:56:00.001-04:00

WE GOT MARRIED TODAY JULY 8th 2011 he asked me two weeks ago

2011-07-08T14:41:00.002-04:00

MY POETRY BOOK IS COMING OUT SOON

2011-06-23T13:16:00.000-04:00

There is Sun in Every Garden Flower

First deep, forgotten violets are taken from a field

In California somewhere I go to through you but never enter

Because I was in a bar in downtown New York

And you were in California

And I drank beer alone until I no longer

Remembered him sitting there in front of me, talking

You were in a Café talking to her

About the woman you have not met yet

A girl you saw

You saw in a dream, I was telling him

In my dream I fell and you reached out and touched my hands

Or in my dream I’m in a school looking for you and I can’t find you

Or in my dream you’re at the kitchen table and I go around your back

And put my hands on your shoulders and kiss you

We make love in a white room

And then I show my father writing on the sky

You were a Black man, and I dreamed about you all the time

But we never met. You told the woman

You were talking to

That I tickled you in your hospital bed after you got shot

And almost died, but we never met

And sitting there

I forgot your face and your lost touch

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

As you lie in bed alone that night

Your body wanting to become my body for a moment

But it couldn’t, and the pain of not knowing

Why you were so sad even though everything around you

Was OK

As I look across the ocean

Into a light on the horizon so small it looked like

A star fell from the sky just to touch you

And I made up a story that heaven longed

To touch the earth much God sent us rain

Or that the star was a man in the year 1,000

Who wrote love letters to a woman in 2011

But they never meet

And the man was a star, thousands of years away

Until he fell, returning to earth just to touch what was

Missing his whole life

And I felt like I was missing something on my body

As I looked at the fallen star

And into nothing, maybe it was the clothes

I was wearing, maybe I forgot my keys,

Maybe it was your house

Set on the other side of the ocean

Moving into the past and the future at the same moment

And a Black man who doesn’t know me

Violets are taken and

Are transformed

Into your eyes or what I remember of them,

Your eyes that changed color as you smiled into

April, yesterday in the afternoon when I forgot sky

Drifted from the Atlantic Ocean to New York City

To this space filled with light every morning

That gave life to something we could not see anywhere

But it was there, more than us, our souls

Entering the objects around us without us, apples,

The Empire States building, the Florida ocean

And the moon that seemed to move across the sky

With us

In just moments, into a past already lost when we left

The surreal painting of a King

With two Queens, the past and the future

And the crown I did not paint on him

The paintings stolen by a man

Where he walked down Jamaica Avenue

With my paintings in his hands, walked into his apartment

And opened them, seeing nothing in them

And the man in Jamaica put the paintings on his wall in his bedroom where

His girlfriend came in and asked him whose they were,

He said “mine now” and me the painter

Mentally ill, a lunatic lost to everything in the world even

My own paintings, a painter living in exile

Because a man banished me with a kiss

I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

Then long stems of roses lost like lost silence now outside

The grocery store as I pass an old woman

I wondered

If I could hold life forever

And would I want to

Or could I understand beauty for just a moment before it dies

On the kitchen table, could I keep beauty so still that I could really see it, roses

With what seemed like a prayer about loss on the table

And the old woman, a vision of your grandmother, picking flowers

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

Then a conversation left before we had it,

Quickly through a store window

On Queens Boulevard, a man was carrying a boy on his shoulders

And we didn’t talk as I watched them

And we didn’t discuss the lost painting

Or the lost time

Or the child we never have

The boy had an angel face, his chubby hands were

Holding the man’s cheeks and small crushed, dead violet

Hands maybe that have touched

And lost the moon

Hands that know what it is to lose

As they walk into becoming something else, smiling about something so secret

Nobody else on the street knew it because they spoke

Another language, but everybody should have

Known their secret

What they meant to each other as they walk

Four blocks from me, the man puts the boy down

The boy sees an ice cream truck

And runs in the street, your coming down the road

And you swerve, missing the young boy by just inches

You scream at the man to

Watch his fucking kid, I’m walking away from you

Wanting to write a story

About the same girl living two lives

One life is with schizophrenia, it is sad, very sad, she cries all day,

She cries everyday for years,

She hears your voice all the time, everywhere in the city,

She feels you watching her, she’s scared, very scared

She feels you make

Love to her when your not there, it’s a horrible life really

She’s always alone and scared

And then the same girl, didn’t get schizophrenia

Became a writer, had a good job,

Had a good family, had a good life, was successful

Confident, beautiful,

But she got schizophrenia and life

Was cruel to her

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

Then after, I lost the wind

Because I was listening to

A waitress

Speak about something that still waits to belong to something else

As she talked with her small child outside an Irish restaurant in the Bronx

The waitress was smoking a cigarette

And the child was on a crowded street that moved

As long as a song that dances in the concrete even now without him

A song that seems to move the thousands of people that pass by without notice

Of them, the mother and child,

The lost father

Through their lives alone, your song on the jukebox, coming from

Inside the bar she works at where she probably had no

Babysitter to watch the child, so she took him

To work with her, and then the child turns, smiles,

Hands his mother a violet and dances to your song,

She smells it proud and dances with him, singing along, and although I

Did not ask why this could be everything, here now

Where I am lost to everything, I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are.

Or the old couple I cannot see now because they are gone

Although I know

They are there, somewhere beyond the bedroom window the two that speak

More now in their room of old photographs and smell of lost years in their clothes

Because all of their stories have not been told even

When they are not there they miss

A romantic place of their youth, or they love the feel of the sun setting

Behind them every night when they are alone walking down the street of it all

Talking to a lost spouse or with a mother whose wisdom still carries

Between the streetlights made of time and eternity

Into the violets they carry home with them

To place in the dining room beside the laughter that is still in the walls

And the softness that still touches his eyes when he’s a different man

Seventy and staring

At his wife as if he remembers everything he never tells, and

He forgets to tell her he loved her, he always loved her, and as I

Look through the window I don’t know I’m looking at your uncle and his wife

Or us, and I wondered

What it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are. I look

At them like something may have been lost that morning

But it wasn’t

And I will wait here for the stars to speak, but I know something will change because they

Do not, and I know I cannot compare his look to ocean sunrises

Or violets and the sun that brings meaning to them through color,

But the old lovers are that beautiful and more,

That disguised in the soft light that reaches

Paraguay or Mississippi or somewhere else you cannot find by looking across

The ocean with your toes lost in the thin waves

Not seeing the sky there even as you stand in it

Not knowing about your heart

Even as you carry it or the work of hands on his field or the morning rising

Where somebody lived and loved so much about life he never thought about heaven

Until he got there fifty years ago, leaving

Nothing unfinished, not even his laughter that I can feel even now

Between each way we could remember anything, faintly as if it were

Always there but we thought it wasn’t, and I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are.

And then the voice that follows

Leaving its place in the world, making whole

Everything it touches, breaking into moments just to smile.

I walk to work. I’m a cleaning woman.

I enter your abandoned house to clean it in Jamaica.

You have moved out

And you’ve been gone for years now

I walk into your old bedroom and smell violets

I stop for a moment; the smell is like a dream

Because I remember something I have forgotten

But nothing is there but an open window and some light

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

I lost the sunset once

On a beach, all night, with a prayer that never spoke as I watched the moon

Wait as it is to be discovered, the radio on telling me where my heart was when it was not

In my chest, the littlest stars almost not there, and I thought looking at the stars

That I did not know that eternity

Could be that small, smaller than sand running through the fingers or children

Dreaming of the world as they moved around it wondering how it works, or the poetry

In our everyday lives and how it

Moved into everybody’s sadness that only has this memory

Of city and sky later, the painting lost now loss moving with me

On the train in Long Island where I pass you on the street

You were in a white car and you drove away

From me the way the ocean leaves the shore

You drove

To you friend’s house in Queens

And looked at his strange painting on the wall

Laughing, saying “where did you get that ugly thing?” The lost King

Uncrowned, yet it looked familiar to you

But you forgot something about yourself as you stared into it

It was like staring into winter

Bare, sad, and strange, not knowing what it was

Emptiness

Loss

Not knowing that winter was a field wild with violets

But it had not become itself yet

Your friend asked you if you wanted the painting and you took it

Drove to your house and put it on your wall

In your bedroom

That night I had another dream that I was looking for you

Up hills, through building,

Among people

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

You took the image with you

Feeling like nothing but yourself without something now

As you’re at work thinking about the strange painting

That is yours now

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

Knowing I lost something sentimental

Because we never cherished strangeness

Because the visitor leaves too quickly and I forgot to ask what is it in the violets

That want to speak but can’t, what was in the rain that reached for the violet

From heaven,

What was in the river, by the Hudson,

When it reached for what it knew and it knew that the moment was enough

To fill everything and that was it, breath and meaning and light

In all of this that we could not figure out

I lost the memory of your face as you changed as you sleep with my painting

In your room

Like a dream that follows you everyday

I watched it move under the blue air without me

It was not as important

As the wave, the wisdom of listening to things that bring

Earth to a steady hush, another side I cannot run to, Shannon and me

Walking through Times Square, talking

About her dreams of acting and singing as we move between

The people, their dreams of jobs, or love, or belonging

A girl who looks for herself

Among surreal lights and forgets the drama, the lines in the play of it all

That tell her everything she needs to know to become dream

And skin and we walk among a thousand gardens

Walking to discover our selves among crowd and beauty and street,

Even as we lose to time and meaning, night through the lost architecture, lost in a conversation we are forgetting as we have it

Forgetting the painting or the love we lost

Forgetting the King

A certain philosophy, or a way to wear our clothes

Or a religion to join, or a subject to study in our free time

Or a group to be and an identity that could match all the feelings we feel

In darkness

When we are alone and do not know anything after the books

And the scientific pictures and the history lessons

And I wondered what it meant to lose

To be that close to everything and not know that you are

I do not know anything at all because I am staring at a flower

Seeing the sun

Seeing a man bump into me

And knock me over in Times Square, then he tells me I’m beautiful

Then he asks me if I like coffee, then we talk,

I like him, he’s funny and smart and kind

Weeks later we kiss, I go to his house

Find my painting in his bedroom, it is him

Can I finished it now

Then I take it home and paint the crown.

Invisible Man

2011-06-21T13:41:00.000-04:00

Invisible Man

He watched me for years, he watched until it hurt to be invisible, it hurt that I’m blind, he watched until it hurts to die, while I walked through New York City like a released balloon walking on air drunk, drunk, drunk, looking for him, finding only a smell that reminded me of his lost skin and the feeling that I was not alone. A smell, an invisible smell, an exotic flower or the smell of piss on the subway, something so invisible yet it makes you react with pleasure or repulsion, it controls you for a moment, just a smell and your pleased. Yes, he was a sort smell or sound, something you couldn’t see but something that sent your emotions flying around as blind as a firecracker in a summer night. And were did he go when he left? Did enter a guitar, or blue on a sad painting. Did he become strawberries or laughter? When did I remember him and not know? Did I remember him in another man’s kiss, or when the two held hands on the subway? Did I remember him in a book or when I heard the cello cry? Sometimes, I knew he was there although I couldn’t see him or hear him. I took off my clothes and danced alone in my room, my hips curling like an ocean against the shore, my hair long and messy, my hands flying circles like fireflies in the air, walking on air, the soft pull of nothing, nothing moving and reshaping itself into something, the temptation to enter through music, the music in control and he was the music, moving me, becoming one with me, changing the shape of my body into a sort of food or drug, a thief that returns with need, heaven’s theft in his eyes as he stared at me and it hurt to be invisible, to be dead to me and everybody when he was so alive. The dance reminded him of sex, up and down, side to side, and he longed to make love me. For years he longed to touch me, and kiss me, and rub my pussy, and rub my back. I longed to rub him with hot oils in a candle lit room like a king, feed him grapes or chocolate, and massage his body. I longed for him to enter me or talk, tell me “this is not real” but I never knew anything more real then the feeling that he was there although nobody could see or hear him. I did it cruelly, the dance, to seduce him. I did it to entertain him and to fill him with so much lust he couldn’t take it anymore, he would break through and touch me. Break through and talk to me. Break through and walk down the road holding my hand. But, he just watched me dance, longing for more then we were. He watched me undress, put on soft music, and enter the bubble bath. He sat in the bath with me, as Beethoven changed the color of everything. He kissed me and said he loved me, he was dying to make love to me, but I didn’t hear him or feel him. I just sat there lost in a dream. I just felt my body being turned on, my nipples getting sensitive, my legs spreading, the sensitive feel of my own touch, my legs spreading so he could enter the doors so quietly I didn’t know he made love to me but I felt a change, I felt beautiful again and alone. And we walk, out the doors into the city where even in thousands of people I can barely be seen. A man walks by me, the invisible man enters him for a moment, the man tells me I am beautiful as he passes, but I know it’s another man, a beautiful invisible man waiting for me everywhere I go. I can’t see him, but I know he’s there. I’m going to work. I clean houses for a living. When I pass people I think it is him looking at me. When a Black man comes near me I get so nervous, my heart races and my knees get weak, because I think it’s him. On the subway a guy and girl are talking, but I think they are talking about me and him. I feel someone take a picture of me. I walk out of the subway and onto the 98^th street. I see a group of girls in the car giggling and screaming. I think they are looking at me and saying that’s God’s wife. He’s all over the city, in people, telling me to keep my head up, telling me I’m beautiful everyday. I walk into the apartment I’m going to clean. I put my head phones on, I’m listening to a book about Jesus. I clean the kitchen, then the floor. As I bend down he watches my ass rock back and forth. He watches my breast bounce in my tank top. The sweat on my face he says makes me glow, and my face looks more beautiful to him. I feel a sort of romance in this as I clean the floor, hard work and New York City, but I’m lost to everything as he comes behind and rubs his dick against my ass. I stop, feeling something but not knowing what and he moves away, scared he may scare me. After work, I go on the subway and laugh to myself. I’m thinking about something my sister did. People stare at me. I laugh until it hurts him to be invisible, it hurts that I’m deaf. He wants to take me for coffee and make me laugh all day. He wants to share cake with me. I know he does somehow, but I don’t know. So I make a funny face at young girl to make him laugh and he does. He longs to be a man again, to make love to me with his body. He longs to tell me he loves me, but I can’t hear him. He looks at me until it hurts to be invisible, it hurts that I’m blind, it hurts to die. I’m in my room; he can’t take the silence anymore so he throws my painting on the floor. Nobody is in the room. I yell at him, stop scaring me. Who was I yelling at? I know he’s there but I don’t know he’s there. There are times I am so pissed at him for not being with me I hate him. So I sit down to write him a nasty letter and tell him how much I hate him, how evil he is for abandoning me, how he’s left me scared and alone. He cries but I hear a screech. A man outside my window that got hit by car. Frantic I call the police. I keep my window open to see if the police come. Then I feel him. He a Black man downstairs on the street. He stopped to see how the man was doing then he looked up and saw me. I was painting by the window playing loud folk music. I was painting a picture of him and a woman, but I didn’t recognize either of them. For an hour I feel him watching me, telling his friend to look at that strange girl. The next day a car. I’m on the 4^th floor and he’s parked outside, looking into my window. Then everyday I feel him looking into my window. He waits outside, late at night, while I sleep and just sits there waiting for me. Then his voice, with a group of friends, his laughter, downstairs on the street. Then his song coming from a car driving down the road. I go to sleep hating him for leaving me. Then a dream of us making love and writing on the sky. Look dad The Book Of Love on the sky from God. God is a Black man. I sleep and the invisible man kisses my whole body, but I don’t know where he kissed me, I only feel this love when I wake. I wake feeling in love with everything. Felling in love with a muffin, feeling in love with an old lady walking buying flowers, feeling in love with the architecture of the church, feeling in love with the pigeons. I read the newspaper and he’s talking to me. He always makes me laugh. I’m laughing on the street all alone. I feel angels all around me. I’m so in love it hurts him to be invisible; it hurts me to be alone. I miss him. I go to visit his mom, Mary. She a statue at the church. I don’t say anything I just stand there, and he stands beside me silent. The silence was something to fear. The world is so silent it hurts to be invisible. He’s the smell of exotic flowers bringing pleasure to my face. He’s the sound of music controlling my body. He’s the love in everything. He’s invisible.

me and the holy ghost dancing

2011-06-10T09:55:00.001-04:00

THE WHORE FROM BABYLON THE SCARLET LETTER

2011-06-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

Really Cool T-shirts: Only For The Sexy And The Bold

2011-06-05T08:57:00.002-04:00

http://kookoomayclothing.onlineshirtstores.com/designs?ctype=0&ma=4&pn=1

the john cusack project my childhood crush was john cussack

2011-06-03T21:42:00.000-04:00

I call this the secret love affair between rain and flowers

2011-06-03T12:29:00.001-04:00

Really Look Into This It's Not Just Lines It's Two Soul-Mates Intertwined

2011-06-02T22:05:00.001-04:00

Oh la la Bah bah bah bam bam bam

2011-06-01T20:29:00.000-04:00

We never meet by kristie donohue

2011-06-01T20:00:00.000-04:00

I Want To Have Sex In a Surreal Way Turn Pears Into Penises And Work Into Breasts

2011-06-01T15:05:00.002-04:00

To Dance Again

2011-06-01T13:05:00.000-04:00

If He Calls You Fat, Leave Him

2011-05-31T13:52:00.001-04:00

The golden rule for women: If he calls you fat, leave him. If you call him fat he should listen and get on the treadmill because he could have a heart attack one day.

This Is Where Jesus And The Whore Were Married On January 16, 2005

2011-05-29T14:04:00.003-04:00

I visit her often to say hello, thank you, and just show my admiration. She is the lost goddess. This is a statue of Jesus' mom Mary. We married here on January 16, 2005. We visit her often and she talks to me, well I think it's God talking to me. We love her very much.

The First Woman To Ever Die From A Sprinkle.

2011-05-24T07:45:00.001-04:00

OK, so I choked in February. I choked on a lentil. I was eating lentil soup and I started coughing and coughing. I screamed and told my mom I was choking. She told me if I was choking I would never be able to talk. But, I got extremely paranoid. I started getting nervous, a weak feeling ran through me. I was shaking and anxious. I yelled at everyone, “I’m choking, I’m choking.” They said you can’t be choking if you can talk; you can’t talk if you choking. But, obviously I knew nothing about choking. I paced around the house, thinking I was choking. I paced into the living room, then kitchen, then the den, getting more and more afraid. I lay in bed, preparing for death. I was choking and nobody cared. I lay in my bed thinking I was going to die. I said to myself ok, if I die I die so what. I hate my life anyway, my husband is abusive, I cry everyday, I’m imprisoned by fear: I don’t care if I die. But, the fear began to mount. Paranoid, I called 911. I told the operator I was choking to death, I needed help. My sister started screaming, “You’re not choking.” She got on the phone and told the operator that I’m mentally ill, but the operator said they have to come anyway. The ambulance came with understanding faces. The way they talked to me was the way you would talk to a child or mentally ill person, as if I needed understanding. They asked me some questions. They took me into the ambulance and asked if I needed to go to the hospital, it was procedure they had to ask. I said I wanted them to check my throat, they never checked my throat. They said I was fine. Then they left. I ate, for 5 days I ate. Then one day I ate a vitamin, it got stuck in my throat I thought. I got weak and had to lie in bed. The next day after that as I was eating spaghetti, I couldn’t eat. I didn’t know why I couldn’t eat, but I just couldn’t eat the spaghetti. I went to bed. Then that morning I couldn’t eat oatmeal. I tried but I couldn’t eat it. “Oh my God, don’t do this to me,” I screamed. “Please god, don’t do this to me.” I couldn’t eat. How was I going to eat? I ran to the supermarket and bought all liquid foods. A week later, I started getting paranoid about choking. I didn’t know why I was eating liquids, or why I couldn’t eat but I couldn’t eat. I screamed at god that he stopped me from eating (which he did stop me from eating). Every time I tried to eat pasta or a muffin I went into a panic, I paced and paced and I just couldn’t eat it. I just couldn’t eat. If I had flem in my mouth I got paranoid. I didn’t want anything in my mouth. I tried to spit out all my salvia. I was starting to have visions of myself choking. That was in February, I’m still only eating liquids, but it’s getting better. I am able to swallow coffee without fear, but that happened just yesterday. Every time I drank or ate previously, I had a severe anxiety attack. I was envisioning the coffee going down the wrong tube. So, we were eating ice cream the other day and Friendly’s put sprinkles on the ice cream. I got mad, why did they put sprinkles on the ice cream, it bothers me to eat. So, I tried to remove all the sprinkles from my ice cream. My father came in and said that would be a great news story, “the first women to ever die from a sprinkle.” Hahahaha

2011-05-23T11:35:00.000-04:00